PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR IN DATING/RELATIONSHIPS - WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET

A recurring behavior or action, in response to a certain type of situation, or trigger, is a pattern of behavior.

We all have patterns of behavior.

We may make a resolution to lose weight, and then go on a diet and exercise regime, only to slack off after a few weeks, and we may do this every few months or every year.

We may leave tasks that must be done by a specific date until the last minute, and then race around trying to accomplish what we need to accomplish and promise ourselves that next time we will plan ahead and schedule our tasks and errands so that we won’t be in a last minute crisis.

We may spend our pay check too quickly instead of socking away some savings, even though we promised ourselves we would be sure to set aside a percentage for the savings account.

If we find ourselves repeating this situation over and over… we have a pattern of behavior. 

Soon enough we realize that this is our style and we can’t or won’t change it. 

We can expect to procrastinate. 

We can expect to try diets and then not stick to them, etc.

It’s no different in a romantic relationship.

Patterns emerge. They are there to stay.

If you are dating someone whose response to a stressful conversation is to walk out on you, or raise his voice, or issue dramatic proclamations that he doesn’t really mean like “ we should stop communicating”, or “we need to take a break”, instead of calmly discussing the issue with you, then you have a pattern in your relationship.

If your boyfriend drinks too much when you go out with friends, if he always eyes other women, if he spends too much or too little, if he forgets important occasions or worse sabotages them, then those are patterns. They will not change.

Just know that whatever he is promising to do, or to change in regards to a pattern of behavior that he has exhibited, and which bothers you, is most likely never going to change.

These behavior patterns are stemming from deep seated buried emotions which are usually the result of early childhood situations. The patterns emerged as a subconscious means of self-protection.

Ex: "I will walk out on her before she leaves me like my mom always did."

"I will save my money rather than buy her a present for her birthday because my parents didn’t buy me presents."

"I will drink too much so that I can “act out” and not be accountable for my actions, just like my dad did."

The psychological sources for our behaviors are so powerful and exert such a strong hold on us, that unless we are self-aware enough to realize we have a problem, and see therapeutic help, we are doomed to continue to repeat them, never realizing that they are NOT a justified means of responding to life’s current situations, but are simply acting out of our hurt inner child.

Look good and hard at how your honey is handling what life throws at him. 

What you see is what you get. So make  sure that you can live with the patterns exhibited, before you sign on the dotted line.

I welcome your questions and comments.

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The Red Flag Man 

is coming soon!

If He Doesn't Have a JOB He is NOT MR. Right! MOVE ON!

So you  meet a new guy.

He is cute.  

He is interested.

He calls you. 

He texts you. 

He asks you out.

So far, so good.

You are a hard worker. 

You get up early and head over to your office.  

Or maybe you work from home so you are on the computer focusing on your work most of the day.

Your guy seems to have lots of time on his hands…

He seems to be around a lot…

He goes to lunch..

He is also excessively interested in the details of YOUR job. He asks you lots of questions about your work.

The first time Joy met Morris on the phone was when she returned his phone call at 2pm mid-week. He answered the phone and let her know that this wasn’t the ideal time for him to receive her call since he was in the middle of reading a great novel…

Right there was a huge RED FLAG which she ignored, to her own detriment.

  They eventually married and she wound up supporting him!! 

He simply was not motivated to earn a living and loved to hang around the house. 

He was totally financially dependent on her and eventually the marriage fizzled along with her finances.

Ginny noticed that her new guy Rob asked her lots of questions about her job. He called all throughout the day with updates as to his activities. 

-He was in the mall checking out the sales. 
-He was out for coffee at a popular new cafe
- heading over to the book store, etc…but he didn’t appear to actually get any work done. 

When Ginny finally raised an eyebrow and questioned him as to what it was he actually did for a living,  he told her he was working on a "start- up with his buddy". However his “buddy “was a successful attorney with his own firm. Whatever it was that Rob was doing was obviously not taking up too much of his time.

 Ginny finally put two and two together and realized that Rob’s interest in the details and nuances of her job might just be his way of confirming that she would be qualified to be the bread winner in their relationship, should it go forward.

 He was just doing his homework.

The moment she had that AH HAH moment she ended it with Rob.

You got a great guy, but how do you know he has a real job?

Ladies, if your guy is around a lot, If he finds the time to call and text and shop and sip coffee while you are diligently focusing on your tasks at work- this is a RED FLAG.

Please question him carefully and find out exactly what he does for a living. 

Unless he is a Trust Fund Baby with a pile of cash, please don’t waste your time on him - its time to DASH!

If you don’t check that out  you may find yourself turning to the chapter in my upcoming book, RED FLAG MAN, called The User/Loser.

You need a self-sufficient hard working boyfriend and husband, not a leech.

Do your homework early and spare yourself the troubles you will face if you hook up with a drifter.

RED FLAG BEHAVIOR- THE SILENT TREATMENT

Has  your boyfriend disappeared like a poof of smoke?
No more texts coming in from him?
Is he not calling you, returning your calls or texting you back?

Are you confused or even worried, because you two have NOT broken up, yet he is not communicating with you?

Welcome to THE SILENT TREATMENT!
This is a nifty little method which some people utilize to avoid dealing with an uncomfortable or inconvenient issue which has surfaced.

It doesn't mean that he has left you.
He is not necessarily gone for good, he is simply using this tactic to gain control and distance.

Your boyfriend either doesn't want to deal with a subject you have brought up, an argument that is awaiting resolution, a topic that needs addressing but may be stressful,  or a commitment that you need from him.

He also may be using the silent treatment to punish you for a "transgression" he feels you have committed against him.

Your boyfriend quite possibly may be using this space he has created to go out there and check his options.

THE SILENT TREATMENT - How convenient!

An additional benefit to him is that the silent treatment throws you off balance, makes you squirm, makes you miss him and with any luck, may even put you into the mindset that any contact from him, after a dry spell like this, is preferable than this torture, ensuring you will be sure to be on your "best behavior "in order to prevent the possibility of him going missing again! (Oh boy! He is in control now!)

A healthy normal male will never ever employ this tactic.
He loves his lady and prefers to establish a sense of harmony and safety in the relationship.

 A healthy male partner encourages his lady to tell him what is bothering her. He is working toward, not running away from commitment. If he offended or upset her he seeks to right the wrong, not to disappear for days at a time.
If she offended or upset him, he is capable of expressing his upset in a non confrontational way, and he has no need to "punish" her.

Be aware that the disappearing act is NOT normal acceptable behavior in  a relationship and is not to be tolerated. The one thing we don't want to do is to accept such behavior and allow unhealthy patterns to form.

So what to do if your guy has disappeared for a while and then resurfaces as if nothing has happened?

I suggest meeting with him in person and explaining him that you are more than willing to communicate about whatever is bothering him, but that you are not prepared to be in a relationship with a partner who thinks it is acceptable to cut off communication with you.

If he is not cool with that, skedaddle! Your man is a Red Flag Man.

Further insights on this and other Red Flag topics will be found in my  soon to be completed book:
RED FLAG MAN by Brenda Sassoon

I welcome your questions and comments!
Stay tuned for more!

You Can Talk But He won't Listen - Meet the Narcissist Boyfriend

Do you find yourself trying to explain yourself over and over again to your BF?

Perhaps you have been unjustly accused of an unsavory motive or your actions have been criticized by him yet again, so you again attempt to carefully go over your deeds, thoughts and actions in an attempt to explain them all  and to get him to see the “real you”. 

You are on the defensive now, trying to prove to him that you are really a well-meaning, well intentioned great girl and not the liar, gold digger, manipulator or cheater that he is insinuating you might be...

Has your boyfriend given you a list of your “offenses” and demanded an apology from you, just when you have called him out on a behavior that hurt or confused you? 

If you have not done anything to apologize for, and are feeling baffled by this new wrench in the conversation, don’t be!

This “Table turning behavior” is a hallmark of the Narcissist.

The Narcissist cannot bear to see himself fully and clearly and can certainly not bear to perceive any wrong doing on his own part. He cannot accept responsibility for any wrongdoing and he cannot apologize…Therefore he must switch the mode of the conversation, turn the tables and place YOU on the defensive, rather than explain or apologize for his misdeeds.

.

Did your boyfriend sweep you off your feet with grand gestures, proclaim his love almost from the outset and begin making elaborate plans for your future at breakneck speed? 

This is classic narcissistic behavior and is designed to rein you in before you have a chance to experience his true nature and his darker side. The side which needs to maintain control over you and everything else in his environment. The poor fellow cannot feel safe unless he is in total control and it takes every bit of effort, in the earliest stage of your relationship, for him to feign flexibility and largess. 

This stage does not last long and it belongs to the “Get the Girl"phase of the relationship.

In that blissful, initial “Get the Girl “ phase of your relationship, when he is working hard to procure you, he will flatter you incessantly. He will wine and dine you. He will shower you with love and attention and make plans for you two to be together, permanently, ASAP.

Ahhh.. if only this dreamy phase would go on forever…

For it is quickly followed by the “devalue the girl” phase, once he has won your heart and you  have become vulnerable to him. 

That is when the criticisms and accusations against you will begin. If he can weaken your ego and make you feel worthless, than he can more easily control you, doling out the praise and goodies when you “deserve” them, and withholding then when you don’t.

You will try to defend and explain yourself to him but your words will fall on deaf ears for he cannot internalize the thoughts and feelings of another. You will find yourself scurrying around trying to win back his favor, even though you have no clue why you lost it!

..

If you have met a Narcissist, then just when you are convinced that your prince has finally come along and you two are about to ride off into the sunset, he will burst that bubble.

Quite simply, once he has you he can no longer keep up the charade of the MR. NICE GUY veneer.

His veneer will crack and so will your heart, if you aren’t careful.

When encountering a prince on a white horse swooping you up in his loving arms, please stop and evaluate the situation realistically.

This behavior is classic Narcissitic behavior and if you fall for it, you will suffer greatly.

Long Distance Romance - Is He Showing Up Enough?

Struggling to sustain a long distance romance?

It can be frustrating to face lonely days and nights alone, while in an exclusive long distance romantic relationship.

It’s a bummer to attend social events solo.

Its rough to see that empty pillow next to you in bed night after night and week after week.

What makes it easier  to bear, is being able to look forward to the next scheduled visit,  knowing when you two will see each other next, and hopefully, it should never be more than 3 weeks in the future.

It takes great effort on the part of both people in the relationship, to maintain the momentum and spark, by making sure that more than 3 weeks doesn’t go by without one of you visiting the other.

(Of course I am not talking about a partner serving in the military for an extended period of time. I am talking only about dating couples who live a great distance apart and who have the freedom to hop on a plane to see their sweetheart.)

Its also impossible to really get to know someone without the daily interaction that only frequent proximity can offer.

In the meantime, there should be frequent text, calls and Video chatting.

If a man has asked you to be exclusive, but isn’t making the effort to visit you with enough frequency, then we have to question if this is a sustainable relationship?

Carving out time to visit his lady should be his number 1 priority.

If for some reason he can’t get away, then he should be offering to fly you in to spend a long weekend with him.

If he is neither coming to see you, nor arranging for you to go see him, then -

Houston, We Have a Problem!

The man who is not making these visits his #1 priority is either:

Trying to Control you while he explores his options

Actively seeing other women

Not that crazy about you

If the weeks are slipping by and you are speaking to your boyfriend each night and hearing “I love you” from him, but he is cool to not actually see you, touch you, hold you and kiss you for the next 8 weeks, then something is off.

If a vase of flowers is delivered to your door on your birthday, but he is hanging out at his place 1200 miles away when he could have spent your birthday with you, then you should be questioning the quality of the relationship as well as just how invested in your future he really is.

Lets face the truth.

A man who loves a woman will move heaven and earth to be with her.

Don’t settle for less than that.

If he isn’t making regular plans to see you each month, don’t  try to convince him, don’t beg and don’t plead with him.

Instead, realize that he just isn’t that into you and move on girl.

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See ya next week!

Pursuit is The Man's Role, NOT Yours!

Ladies! The best thing you can do to spark and motivate the man you are interested in is….

NOTHING!

As I have mentioned in my Blog, The Red Flag Man, many times, a man is wired to go out and to acquire.

 His DNA, since Neanderthal times, is that of a HUNTER/GATHERER, and that wiring hasn’t changed a bit, even with the advent of modern conveniences such as salad bars, shavers and cell phones. 

In cave -man days the man went out to forage, to hunt and to bring home  and savor what he worked hard to get.

To this day a man (and all of us really) most respect what we worked hard to get.

If we get something too easily do we really value it? 

NO.

If we scrimp and save for that $1000 bag we love, we will treasure it and carefully place it in a place of honor on our closet shelf. We will wear it with pride and beam with pleasure as we see ourselves in the mirror with our lovely and hard -to- acquire acquisition. 

If however we got it on sale for $50, we aren’t so careful or so prideful. It may end up tossed in the closet or even on the floor, discarded and forgotten.

A man, even more than a woman, needs to feel that he got the big prize when he chooses his woman!

When  a women does the man’s relationship work for him, his knee jerk response is to pull back and then to lose interest. 

Why is that?

The man cannot value a woman who signals to him that she is eager to be with him and easy to acquire.

Therefore the worst thing a woman can do if she is trying to spark the interest of a man is to call him, text him, suggest get togethers  to him, “accidentally” show up where he is at, or make herself too available and behave as if she is too interested.

That behavior will backfire every time. 

Yes, he may take you up on an invite or suggestion once or twice, if he is bored and has nothing better to do, but rest assured, he will lose interest if you hand yourself to him on  a silver platter. 

Instead, keep busy with your life and distract yourself from the goal of winning him over.

Let him work to win YOU over and reap the rewards of a man who values the lady he had to jump through hoops to be with.

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Don't Chase Him!

If it feels like your boyfriend has been drifting away, creating distance, seeing you infrequently and making lame excuses why he is too busy to spend time with you as much as he used to, you may be tempted to dream up new and creative ways to draw him back towards you. 

Of course this is your prerogative, but it’s a bad idea.

Never try to reignite his desire by doing anything at all that can be perceived as “chasing”.

If a man has become distant and aloof, do not engage in any of the following “chasing behaviors”:

Calling him

Texting him

“Accidentally” bumping into him

Asking his friends what he is up to

Inviting him over for any purpose

Emailing him interesting articles

Dropping into his home or place of work because you “happened to be in the area”

In fact, if your man has drifted away, the best and most positive course of action is to do nothing at all.

Go on with your life and start dating and socializing as much as you can.

By doing that, you may either ignite his interest again (although why would you want it?),

or find yourself in a great new relationship, which is way more fun that racking your brains trying to lure a disinterested man back into your orbit!

Replace him! Don’t Chase Him!

Happy Hunting!

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Give Him the Gift of JUST Being You - Unless he is YOURS Nothing Else Will Do!

When a man is truly interested in a woman, it will be obvious to her because he will be carving out the time from his busy day to make contact with her, and will see to it that he spends quality time with her as often as possible. 
He will not let more than a day go by without reaching out to her to let her know he is thinking about her.

He will be calling and texting her.

He will be making dinner reservations, buying flowers and planning trips with her.

He will be introducing her to his friends and family.

He will be buying tickets to the concerts and shows she wants to attend and buying her thoughtful gifts and cards for Valentine’s Day, her birthday and for no special reason at all.

When should a woman start spending her money and her time to please a guy?

When should she be puttering around her kitchen making his favorite gluten free deserts?

When should she shell out for that designer belt for his birthday?

When should she introduce him to her family?

No matter how cute he is, no matter how attracted to him she is, unless he is showing “investing behavior” in her,  no woman should be investing her time or her money on a man.

In fact, if she does it will come off as stalkish and needy and will be a turn- off to the guy she likes!

A man is a go-getter by nature and if she is the object of his desire, he will do whatever he has to do to show her how he feels and to make her feel special and wanted.

If you find yourself exhibiting more pursuing behaviors than your boyfriend does, then back off now! 

Step back from those behaviors. 

If he is interested in you, you must allow him the space to move towards his goal (you) and he cannot do this if you are lunging towards him with dinners, designer ties, text messages and cute emogies. This will push him away, and turn him off, not to mention that he doesn't merit  any of this unless he is investing time and money in you!

In short, those behaviors are to be reserved for the man who is striving to sweep you off your feet. If he isn’t working to sweep you off your feet, sweep him under the rug and move on!

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Spy on Your Guy? - Don't Bother to Try!

If your instinct is to reach for your guy’s cell phone when he is out of the room, to check and see who is has been texting, who he has called, and who has called him, then the relationship is carrying a huge RED FLAG!

You should never ever feel a hint of doubt about where your guy’s loyalties lie, and if you do- then he isn’t the one for you!

If your guy is giving you mixed messages by being affectionate and attentive one minute, and then distant and unresponsive another minute, you may quite rightly harbor doubts about what he is doing and thinking. You may feel inclined to “spy” on him or  “stalk” him a bit.

 That behavior is needy, clingy and a huge turn off!

 Avoid the temptation to behave like that!

Trust me when I tell you that this is a very unhealthy dynamic.

If you have any reason at all to doubt your boyfriend’s loyalty towards you then please pull back now. 

Pull way way back. 

That means NO texting him. NO calling him. NO emailing him.

 It means that when he calls you, DO NOT always answer and do not immediately respond to his texts.

If he is into you he will take the cue that you are less available and less interested and he will come forward and pursue you with all of his wonderful male energy. 

But if in fact he is less interested than before, he will be relieved to feel you are in his orbit less. 

This is the best and only way to find out where you stand, short of confronting him - which also makes you appear suspicious, insecure and needy.

If you feel the need to spy on your guy, distance is the route you must try!

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YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! DON'T DATE ANOTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND!

Today I will state the Obvious.

DON'T date a MARRIED MAN!

Why is it that it is a turn off when we hear that a man is still living in his parents house?

Maybe he is a young man who is temporarily living at home while he saves money for the house or apartment of his dreams.

Why is it not a turn off to you that a man is coming on to you, but going home to his wife each night?

If a man is heading home to his wife at the end of your date, cut bait and move on right now!

You must respect your self enough to realize that you deserve to be more to a man than a dalliance.

More than a distraction entertaining another woman's bored husband.

You actually deserve a man who is so into you that he is planning a future with you. 

A REAL future, not just your next hook up.

No matter what a man says about how  unhappy he is in his marriage, how horrible his wife is, how difficult or impossible it would be to divorce her, if you are settling for dating another woman's husband than you are displaying a terribly low level of self-esteem as well as poor judgement.

Is he married but separated?
Are the divorce papers filed?
Has he given you a date by which time he will be free?

None of the above is great, but at least there may be potential for a future with a man who can honestly say those things, however, if you are in the arms of a married man who leaves you and returns to the home he shares with his wife- GET OUTTA THERE NOW!

We don't wast precious time. The time it takes to forge a relationship that can result in the life you want.

 It is a process.

The building blocks that forge a real relationship are built with shared experiences over a period of weeks and months. Unless you want the empty life of a mistress with no prospect of her own husband and home life, without respect, without her own family and her own place in society as a wife/mother, don't waste precious time servicing the needs of a married man.

Why sacrifice your own needs and wants just to be a "fidget spinner" for some unhappy or bored married man?

Even if you are having a dry spell in your dating life, finding it difficult out there, do not close off your options and do not lower your standards by having an affair with a married man who will never be your husband.

We date to marry.

Realize that if you have chosen to be in a relationship with another woman's husband, that you are a person with serious issues and you require therapy to help you gain an awareness of the issues that cause you to settle for the crumbs of life rather than going for the Trophy,

Your job is to cut bait with the married guy and head on over to the therapist.

Look out for my upcoming book RED FLAG MAN and follow my weekly blog here, for free, by email, by subscribing here.

Narcissist Boyfriend? RUN AWAY NOW!

Are you experiencing this in your relationship?

Your boyfriend disappears for days - no contact
He seems to lack empathy towards you and others
He goes silent
Your boyfriend thinks HE is always right
He is most energized when he receives attention from others
He loves you when you do things "right" (his way) and he pulls away when you do things "wrong" (not his way)
He doesn't strive to make you happy or to do the things you want to do - it has to be his way all the time
He has a sense of entitlement
Your boyfriend doesn't play by the rules. He may lie, cheat, steal - Rules don't apply to him because he is the King of the Universe
He has a Jekyll and Hyde personality - switching back and forth between them and keeping you off balance, on guard, and walking on egg shells around him
He may put you down, using verbal or even physical abuse to dominate you and keep the power in the relationship
He may be very needy and dependent on you, all the while criticizing almost everything you do

If this sounds familiar, then you are most likely in a relationship with a Narcissist.

Trust me, this does not improve or go away, it only gets worse. These people are usually not aware that they are doing anything wrong and they are not open to any type of relationship therapy because, of course, they are always right!

This is a psychological condition brought on by early childhood traumas and the narcissist is not even aware of why they are the way they are, nor are they aware that they are doing anything wrong.

They will avoid self reflection and prefer instead to direct their corrections at others, rather than themselves, always playing the Blame Game.
Can  you have a happy relationship with this guy?
NO
You may have a fantasy of what the relationship should/could be and the fantasy may be based on how your boyfriend initially behaved with you met him and he was in pursuit of you.

Please understand that that phase of your relationship is now over, and all you will experience from now on is hurt and pain.

RUN don't walk away from this RED FLAG MAN!

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Ask Not Why He Does It - Dump Him Instead

We have always heard that the only person we can change is ourselves.

 But do we absorb that information? Do we really internalize it?

No!

Instead we fall in love with someone whose flaws drive us crazy, and then we spend our time making ourselves even more crazy trying to figure out why he does what he does!

You love your boyfriend but you are upset because he:

Is always late

He lies

He cheats

He drinks

He is emotionally or physically abusive

He disappears for days or weeks at a time and then returns as though nothing has happened

He is cheap

He smokes or drinks or does drugs

He gambles

He has double standards - expecting behaviors and virtues from you that he doesn’t display himself

You struggle to understand him and why he acts the way he does

- Why he talks to you the way he does or why he walks away from you the way he does?

You read up on personality types and what makes them tick and how you can get along with them and why they are the way they are.

You consult a therapist to figure out how to “handle” your boyfriend. ($$$)

Girl, he is not the problem! The problem is that you are choosing to be with Mr. Wrong!

Why are you attracted to him?

Why are you sticking with him when you should have thrown in the towels ages ago?

What are YOUR issues? That is the only question you should be asking,  and YOU are the only person you should be working on fixing.

If he is screwed up, yet you keep sticking with him and wondering how to make it better, then you better take a good look at yourself and ask WHY are you putting up with this behavior?

If you are are attracted to a man whose behavior makes you unhappy then please spend your time and money on trying to find out what your underlying issues are.

 Mr. Right will feel Right and you wont have to research or reform him.

Its Not Him! - Its You and Why You Want Him

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Dating Should be Progressing NOT Keep You Guessing!

If you are in a real relationship, you actually never have to have “the conversation”.

In a healthy normal relationship with a mature emotionally available man who cares about you the relationship will progress.

•  It will not stall out. 
• He will not disappear.
•  He will not shun you.
•  He will call you. 
• He will text you. 
•  He will have time for you and he will make time for you.
•  He will want you to meet his family and his friends. 
• He will proudly introduce you to the acquaintances he bumps into when out with you.
•  He will make dates.
•  He will plan for your future together.

 You will feel the momentum increasing as time goes by. 

His attentions will increase, not decrease.

He will invest in you financially as well as emotionally.

A man is a Hunter/Gatherer by nature. He is wired to do what it takes to go out there and  get what he wants and needs.

If you are what he wants and needs you will realize it from his words and actions. 

Your relationship will not be a guessing game and you will not be on the phone with your girlfriends for hours analyzing everything he did and said or didn’t do and didn’t say. 

His intentions won’t be a mystery and your relationship won’t bring you misery.

If you are not hearing from your guy on a regular basis and can not count on regular phone calls and dates, if he has not asked you to be exclusive and if he is not making time with you a priority then you are not in a relationship.

 Move on out of this situation because you are on the slow boat to nowhere

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Does He Make Dates or Excuses?

The right man for you will not hesitate to see you and spend time with you, even when it’s inconvenient for him to do so. 

He will be unable to resist the pull to spend time with you and will make doing so his number one priority.

If the man you are interested in is coming up with excuses instead of dinner reservations, he is NOT  your guy!

Sometimes a man may keep stringing us along, making and breaking dates with us, because he is actually seeing someone else, and is not committed to either one of you yet, but wishes to keep his options open.

If you are seeing someone who makes and breaks a date more than twice in a row, know that his motivation level is lacking, and send him packing!

You are not to make yourself available as “filler” in his already busy schedule. You are also not to make yourself available last minute.

 You are not to be his “Plan B”.

Know that you deserve a well-planned out date, for which you are asked out at least 3 days in advance, and for which he has cleared his schedule. 

You are not a late night booty call. 

You are not a last minute quick bite to eat.

The more a man shows that he will spend time, money and effort to see you, the more you can be sure that he is emotionally invested in you and in building a relationship with you.

Do not pin your hopes on a luke warm, on again, off again level  of interest.

If you have a date but he calls to re -schedule because he promised to hang out with his brother, or he has a cold, or he is tired or preoccupied preparing for tomorrows case, he is NOT your man.

Go for the man who has set  spending time with you and ultimately possessing you,  as his highest goal to achieve.

Don't Waste Your Time on a Part Time Boyfriend!

Ladies!

You are not to be “filler”, an “option” or a “back up plan” for any man.

Any behavior from a guy which makes you feel like less than a priority is a big NO!

If you are dating someone who has difficulty making and keeping dates with you, is not calling you daily and in general is not making you a priority, then stop wasting your time.

Just move right on girl!

You are not to be on his list of options, because you are too busy living your full life and you have your own options to sort through.

Any time you make yourself available to a man who is only showing intermittent interest in you, you are selling yourself short.

If he often makes and breaks dates with you, that is a Red Flag and its meaning is “YOU are NOT #1”.

(He may be dating other girls, too busy with his work, or just plain flakey)

If you are not in first position for his attentions, then turn your fabulous self  towards other pursuits.

Do not text him. Do not call him. Do not count on him. Do not miss the chance to meet and date others because of him. In fact, forget about him entirely until he misses you, realizes how amazing you are and makes it his goal to woo and win you over and devote himself to you.

We have no time for on again/off again, wishy -washy boyfriends.

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Should You Pursue a Man? No Ma'am!!

What defines the pursuit of a man?

Do you realize that you may inadvertently be pursuing your guy and not even know it?

A man by nature is a Hunter/Gatherer! 

He is wired to go out there and procure what he needs and wants.

A woman by nature is wired to receive, and to make something out of what he brings to her. 

This is not culture, it is DNA, and it doesn’t change with the times.

The fact is that a man actually enjoys the challenge of winning over a woman’s heart, and is bored if there she is too easy to catch!

We all value what we have to work hard to get, much more than that which comes easy to us.

If we save up for an expensive sweater we have had our eye on and then shell out several hundred dollars for it, we treasure and enjoy it! We carefully fold it and place in on our shelf, taking care not to squish it or wrinkle it up. When we put it on we feel proud that we have such a beautiful sweater to wear. But, if we got that sweater at a big discount for $25, we may toss it around and not care if it winds up on the closet floor!

Human nature is such that we preserve and take care of anything that we have to sacrifice to have. 

That may be to work hard, make time for, give up something for, etc. 

Whatever we have to sacrifice in order to possess, is deemed valuable. 

Whatever comes to us too easily is not valued.

So too with relationships and men in particular.

If you are always available, or initiating texts, phone calls, making plans, making suggestions for dates, or arranging to “bump into” your guy, know that these are all pursuit behaviors and he perceives them as such. 

He may date you for a while especially if he is bored and lonely, but chances are that he will not commit to you.

I know a couple who lived together for years…. She followed him to Tokyo where he lived and worked for business, and she patiently waited years for him to pop the question while she gave up living near her family and friends and she gave up her vibrant career.

Although she told me that "a piece of paper did not make a difference", when at one point she thought that the proposal was looming she was very happy and excited to think that finally they would be getting married. 

The proposal never came. 

Instead he took her to California, bought her a car and an apartment and dumped her there. Then he met and quickly married another women (who wouldn’t dream of shacking up with a man before marriage.)

Let him do the work of pursuing you! 

When he succeeds in pursuing you and winning you over, then he will treasure you and put you on a pedestal. He will make the commitment to you because he had to work to win you over and he will never let you go!

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Red Flag Man: IF HE IS MEAN TO YOU - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!

Red Flag Man: IF HE IS MEAN TO YOU - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!: Do you sometimes feel confused by your guy because he tells you he loves you but he doesn’t always act like he loves you? Does he do ...

IF HE IS MEAN TO YOU - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!

Do you sometimes feel confused by your guy because he tells you he loves you but he doesn’t always act like he loves you?

Does he do and say things which one normally doesn’t associate with love?

Perhaps in the beginning he was the perfect Dream Boat who showered you with love and attention!

Perhaps that has all changed now…

Now he is testy and even mean at times. 

Now he vanishes for days -  no contact. Yet when you do get together, he will still tell you that he loves you. It’s just that he gets annoyed with you when you X,Y or Z…

You may feel unsure of how to interpret his words and actions.

You may feel hurt or even betrayed by the person who is claiming to love you. 

This is indeed very confusing. It also causes tremendous emotional pain and a yearning for the loving way he used to be with you.

We tend to stay in such relationships longer than we should because of what is called “intermittent reinforcement”.

Let me explain it this way: A scientist can train a mouse to go through a maze by releasing a treat from a dispenser at the end of the maze. The mouse will learn that if he works hard enough, and finds his way through that maze, a pellet will drop from the dispenser at the end of the maze.  A delicious reward for his efforts!

But what happens if after a time, no more pellets appear at the end of the maze?

The mouse continues to work his way through the maze. He is still hoping for the treat!

 He is still hoping that if he tries hard enough, the treat will appear as it always did in the past.

It may take the mouse months or even a year to figure out that the good ole days are over, and that no matter how long and hard he tries, there will be no further reward.

The mouse had been trained to perform a behavior by being rewarded with a treat.

So too, people are “trained” in the initial phases of a relationship with an unhealthy love partner, that their behaviors will earn them the love and attention they desire. And like the mouse, we keep on trying and trying, hoping to recapture the  loving behaviors we once elicited from our partner, long after they have vanished. 

We keep trying in vain to regain the love we have somehow lost and don’t know why.

In a real love relationship, loving behaviors do not switch to abusive behaviors no matter how many times we are late, or burn the food, or speak out of turn or mess up in any way. Love is sustained and not conditional on our “performances”.

If your partner is saying that he loves you, but is acting cruel, dismissive, inconsiderate, absent or disrespectful, you must realize that this is a person who does not and cannot love, and you must get out of the relationship.

Causing pain is not a sign of love.

Nothing can be gained if you are being caused pain.

Red Flag Here!

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