IF HE IS MEAN TO YOU - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!

Do you sometimes feel confused by your guy because he tells you he loves you but he doesn’t always act like he loves you?

Does he do and say things which one normally doesn’t associate with love?

Perhaps in the beginning he was the perfect Dream Boat who showered you with love and attention!

Perhaps that has all changed now…

Now he is testy and even mean at times. 

Now he vanishes for days -  no contact. Yet when you do get together, he will still tell you that he loves you. It’s just that he gets annoyed with you when you X,Y or Z…

You may feel unsure of how to interpret his words and actions.

You may feel hurt or even betrayed by the person who is claiming to love you. 

This is indeed very confusing. It also causes tremendous emotional pain and a yearning for the loving way he used to be with you.

We tend to stay in such relationships longer than we should because of what is called “intermittent reinforcement”.

Let me explain it this way: A scientist can train a mouse to go through a maze by releasing a treat from a dispenser at the end of the maze. The mouse will learn that if he works hard enough, and finds his way through that maze, a pellet will drop from the dispenser at the end of the maze.  A delicious reward for his efforts!

But what happens if after a time, no more pellets appear at the end of the maze?

The mouse continues to work his way through the maze. He is still hoping for the treat!

 He is still hoping that if he tries hard enough, the treat will appear as it always did in the past.

It may take the mouse months or even a year to figure out that the good ole days are over, and that no matter how long and hard he tries, there will be no further reward.

The mouse had been trained to perform a behavior by being rewarded with a treat.

So too, people are “trained” in the initial phases of a relationship with an unhealthy love partner, that their behaviors will earn them the love and attention they desire. And like the mouse, we keep on trying and trying, hoping to recapture the  loving behaviors we once elicited from our partner, long after they have vanished. 

We keep trying in vain to regain the love we have somehow lost and don’t know why.

In a real love relationship, loving behaviors do not switch to abusive behaviors no matter how many times we are late, or burn the food, or speak out of turn or mess up in any way. Love is sustained and not conditional on our “performances”.

If your partner is saying that he loves you, but is acting cruel, dismissive, inconsiderate, absent or disrespectful, you must realize that this is a person who does not and cannot love, and you must get out of the relationship.

Causing pain is not a sign of love.

Nothing can be gained if you are being caused pain.

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