Does He Go Silent to Punish You?

One of the MOs of a seasoned narcissist is to deal his anger by utilizing the “Silent Treatment”. It is a passive -aggressive tool used to disarm the other person and leave them feeling uncertain of where they stand in the relationship,  as well as insecure and bewildered.

Shunning is also common, as is pulling away and staying away for days or even weeks at a time, and then resurfacing as if nothing has happened.

Know that if your boyfriend suddenly stops calling and texting and is not responding to your calls and texts, that you are being shunned, and will just have to wait it out until his mood subsides and he has decided that he has punished you enough. You may feel that this means the relationship  is over, but honey, that’s not the case at all! It aint over until he says its over! He is simply teaching you a lesson. 

The lesson is that if you question or criticize his behaviors, you will be placed into the deep freeze.

Get it?

A narcissist loves to employ this tactic. It enables him to feel powerful and in control. It enables him to feel that he is exacting punishment for whatever “crime” he feels you have perpetrated against him.

Have you dared to disagree with him?

Have you contradicted him?

Have you refused to comply with a request he made of you or criticized him for something you felt he did which hurt or betrayed you and /or the relationship?

If your guy is a narcissist then don’t expect to have a mature adult discussion about your issues. Know that a narcissist will feel threatened by any manifestation of power over him, in the form of a complaint or a questioning of his behaviors and motives, and he will often fight back, to regain his sense of control, by utilizing the silent treatment.

Needless to say, the silent treatment is a major RED FLAG and nobody should have to put up with this controlling and dysfunctional behavior.

Note to self: If he is shunning- GO Running!
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Does He Dis His EX?

JUST REMEMBER , once upon a time he was crazy in love with the "Ex" he is now bashing to you!

Moreover, the “monster”  he is describing to you today, could very well end up being YOU  tomorrow!

If your guy describes his ex -wife as a crazy psycho, chances are she may actually be a normal woman who grew so frustrated and fed up with him and his bad behaviors, and stuck it out with him as long as she possibly could, probably for “the sake of the children”, and then chose to leave him rather than go crazy.

A healthy normal man will be able to define the shortcomings in his failed relationship and to take at least some of the responsibility for it’s failure. If he places the total blame on his Ex, this is a major Red Flag! Beware of any man painting a picture of his ex as a perpetrator of endless evils.

Oh he may be charming and attentive to you now, in the pursuit stage, but sticking by this guy’s side is almost a guarantee that you will wind up his next victim, labeled by him as a traitor, a psycho, and/or a controlling power hungry  a- sexual manipulator.

Lenny expressed his total bewilderment to Betsy, as to why his wife of 25 years took his 3 young children and ran off to her parents’ home 3000 miles away, when he had been a
"wonderful and caring husband and provider"

.

Carl ruminated over the many shortcomings of his ex, Irene, who walked out on him with their two kids with no warning, and forbade him to have any contact with them.

Both men described their exes as fools, incompetents, manipulators, etc.

If you are hearing similar tales from your new Prince Charming, please ask  yourself why any women would walk out on a loving, caring, normal father of her children.

It doesn’t happen that way ladies.

Please do your research, and learn to recognize this type of talk as a RED FLAG!

Time to Walk Away

 

8 months into their long distance relationship, Joy realized that she had no idea if the relationship was progressing or not!

They didn't speak daily, he didn't even text her every day, yet when they were together the chemistry was palpable and they truly enjoyed each other’s company.

He sent flowers week after week for a month, and then the flowers stopped.

He came to town every few weeks, but often didn't attempt to make time for her until the evenings. What was he so busy with all day? He wasn’t at work...

Joy’s boyfriend sometimes alluded to a future in vague terms, but did not discuss any concrete plans. He never said “I love you”.

The clincher was when Joy invited him to spend the weekend with her and he was conflicted between doing that, and hanging out with his friend George!

Nuff said.

Betty was introduced to Robert by a mutual friend. They immediately clicked! Lots in common! Great chemistry! First kiss amazing! And then, on date 3 he told her he loved her!
Wow!

Next thing she knew, his phone calls and texts became less and less frequent and then stopped all together.  Betty was so confused! 

From “ I love you” to Nada?

 After ten days he texted her out of the blue and told her he would be in her area next week and would love to see her!

In a normal, healthy romantic relationship, the frequency of communication, and the quality of time spent together, is supposed to increase, not decrease. A man shows his interest by checking in regularly with his girlfriend and making plans to see her as often as possible.

If his interest appears to be waning, that is a Red Flag for the relationship.

An effort should be made to have a discussion of what is going on, and if the messages are still mixed or conflicting, it really is time to move on.

Don’t waste another minute not knowing where you stand!

Start Walking!

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Does He Make You Feel Flawed?

In a relationship with a Red Flag Man, you may find yourself constantly on the defensive.

Your actions and your motives will be constantly criticized.

“ Your skirt is too short, your pants too tight, the soup is too salty, the taste is not right, your friends are dull, your judgement all wrong, your morals are shady, your skirt is too long, your hair should be blonder or longer or cut, stop talking so much I wish you’d shut up.”

Both the Borderline Male, and the Narcissist Male personality types, will use criticism to keep you on your toes, striving to please them, as well as to doubt your own self-worth. 

Because they need to boost   their own fragile egos, they will attempt to destroy yours. 

To feel all knowing, important, wise and powerful, they often employ a strategy of putting you down.

If you find that your boyfriend is audacious in his critical comments and corrections of you, know that you are with a Red Flag Man and skedaddle before you spiral downhill emotionally.

The outcome of hanging on to this relationship will be the loss of your self-confidence, no matter how accomplished you may be. You will feel fat even if you are not, dumb even if you are smart and boring, even though your own friends have always enjoyed your company and laughed at your jokes.

So, BEWARE! If little criticisms and negative comments seem to be increasingly creeping into his conversations with you, step back now!

The right guy will make you feel like the most perfect creature in the world.
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Are You a Love Option

Are you a love option?

Rob came on strong, hot and heavy right from the get-go.

He was reaching for Betsy ‘s hand and smothering her with kisses on date #1.

In 4 days they saw each other 4 times and each time was more intense and exciting than the last.

Betsy and Rob had lots in common and also a strong physical attraction to each other.

Could this be "THE ONE"??

He told her he was in love with her on date #3!

However, he mentioned that he felt they should still date others…. After all, they had only just met, he was newly divorced and he felt he owed it to himself to explore his options.

He is an out of towner and was headed back to his home town, several hours away by plane.

The first time they spoke on the phone after he had gotten back home, he told her he had to return very soon to see her because he would miss her too much.

In his next call he said he wasn't sure when he would be able to get back to her area..

Fortunately, Betsy had been following my blog and also consulting with me on how to identify Red Flags in any new relationship.

I encouraged Betsy to take everything Rob said with a grain of salt and to keep her options open for business.

Rob’s enthusiasm seemed to wane in the following weeks as his calls stopped and his texts petered out.

He was obviously keeping busy somehow..

Betsy kept busy with work and life and also continued to date others. She never initiated any contact at all with Rob.

Then, magically - his texts started up again! He would soon be back in town. Could they get together? He would “love to see her”.

Betsy remained polite but demure.

She would be” pretty busy “at the time he would be in town, and she would have to “see whats happening” by the time he got to her area again.

Betsy had a great grasp of the red flags here. Rob’s erratic behavior also struck her as arrogant.

Was she going to be his “make out date” whenever he was in town?

  NO WAY!

Once a man proclaims his love for a woman, if he is serious about her, he must focus on her and only her. He must set out to win her over. If he is still looking over his shoulder to see the next best thing coming his way, then he is not serious, not to be trusted, not focused on her and not ready to commit. He is a player.

Be very cautious about getting caught up with a man whose words and actions do not line up.

Remove yourself from the equation.

Is it Real When He Comes On Too Strong, Too Fast?

Often we come across the “Master of the Mixed Message” who leaves us reeling, confused and unsteady on our feet because his signs and signals don’t match up with his words and actions.

Don’t fret! 

It only takes a few days, less than a month for sure, to discern this Red Flag!

He may flatter you with his attentions. Surprise you with his pronouncements of love and his vision of the future – all within the first week, and then disappear with nary a warning the next week.

This is an erratic individual.

Please realize that too much too soon is not a sign of love at first sight. It is a sign of instability.

A couple may be instantly attracted to each other, yes! They may immediately realize that they would really like to pursue this thing and see where it takes them, yes! However, if he tells you he loves you on date 3, and then you don’t hear from him for a day or two on day 6,7,or 8, you will find yourself wondering :

what happened? 

Does he still have feelings for me?

 Is he dating someone else?

 Does he have 2^nd thoughts about us?

 Did he fall for another woman?

 Did he fall out of love with me as fast as he fell in love?

 These thoughts are all very troublesome and uncomfortable.

The real truth is that when a man is crazy about a woman he doesn’t let a single day go by without contact, and nobody is too busy for a quick phone call or a text.

No woman should have to find herself in a position of feeling her head spinning from such mixed messages:

“He loves me, He is gone”

All women should take this Red Flag very seriously. If a man says and does too much too soon, you must force him to slow down and maintain a steady pace,  and you must not take his words seriously at all, unless and until you see that his actions match his words and he is in regular contact with you, remains interested and is busy making plans to see you again as soon as possible.

You can learn all about this type as well as many other Red Flag Men, in my upcoming book. 

Meanwhile, subscribe to this blog to learn as much as you about the Red Flag Man!

Love History Is Important! What Would His Ex Tell Us If She Could Warn Us?

Dating should be like Buying a Car

Think of all of the valuable information we could have if only we were able to speak to HIS ex!

-          If we could “check out the merchandise” before putting down our money (heart).

Though there is a valuable wealth of information in the form of Red Flags, which I have made my mission to educate women on, it may not always be enough.  With a chameleon that can change his colors at will, and appear to become what the lady of his dreams is seeking, info from an ex can be invaluable!

Had my friends and I had info from our own exes, here are some of the tidbits we would have known, before the damage was done:

“He is dangerous”

“He has a violent temper”

“He is so controlling and volatile that I had to take my younger kids and run away to my parents’ house”

“He never showed much motivation with work, I used to wonder how he would pay for the nice lifestyle I knew he loved”

“He is a womanizer who cheats”                                    

“He has a drinking problem”

“He is emotionally abusive; his treated his own mother just terribly”

“He is bi -polar”

“His parents are in control of his finances”

“He is a liar”

“He is cheap”

“He gambles away his salary”

“After the wedding night he wasn’t interested in our intimate life”

Had all of us had the above information prior to making our commitments to our exes, trust me, life would have been much easier!

Although I would not suggest that you reach out to an ex- wife or girlfriend, I am totally cool with using any and all connections you may have to get as much information as possible.  I do believe in dodging a bullet whenever possible.

Buyer  Beware!