If Your Boyfriend is a Fault Finder - Walk Away!

If your boyfriend is constantly finding faults in you now that the initial honeymoon phase is over, then he has a problem.

 His problem is that he has deep seated insecurities which can only be mollified by putting others down, and /or by controlling them. 

If he can make you feel a bit off balance, unsure of yourself, flawed, then inside he feels a sense of power.

 Even if you take a more laid - back feminine energy role in the relationship, allowing him to take charge, it won’t be enough to shore up his weak ego. He thrives only when he feels superior.

Maybe he is a messy guy, leaving socks and underwear on the floor. Maybe he is forgetful,  always misplacing his keys, phone, wallet, or maybe he is bad at sports, or moody. You don’t criticize him because you love him despite these flaws.  You overlook his flaws and you focus on his positive attributes because you love and appreciate him.

But, does your boyfriend put you down?

Does your boyfriend criticize you?

The emotionally unhealthy male may be inclined  to bring you down with his criticisms.

 He may roll his eyes at you, (which by the way studies have shown that partners who roll their eyes at each other will most probably get divorced, because the eye roll is a sign of disdain for another person), or take  issue with any little mistake or flaw he perceives in you:

You spoke to him while he was on the phone? Inconsiderate!

You left dirty dishes in the sink overnight? Lazy!

You knocked over his antique salt shaker? Clumsy!

You bought an expensive gift for someone? Money waster!

Etc..

This picking on you is a simple device which places him in control. You now have to work harder to please him. 

Him being in control gives him a sense of safety and power.

Why does he need this sense of safety and power? Because he is a damaged individual.

A healthy, normal, balanced ego, does not benefit by criticizing others.

Please realize that you deserve to be with someone who praises and appreciates you despite your flaws.

RED FLAG! If he is a finder of fault, take a pole and VAULT!

Sprint away now and save yourself from becoming broken down and bitter.

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 Red Flag Man

Did your Boyfriend go from Loving To Angry and Critical?

Sometimes a relationship starts out amazing, and then slowly devolves.

Your new guy appears to be totally infatuated with you and draws you in emotionally with his loving gestures and words. 

He wants to see you all the time, constantly stays in touch, expressing deep feelings for you and talking about a future together because  he feels that you are “The One”.

When you are out together with friends and family, he is totally charming. Your support group is totally on board. 

This guy is a keeper!

Then, after he has won everybody over, and as you slowly start to feel secure and happy and totally into him, something begins to change.

Small criticisms creep into his words. 

He begins to take issue with things you say or do or don’t say or don’t do. For the first time he also begins to get angry at people in public. He is critical of the people in his orbit, sometimes flying off the handle unexpectedly.

Then, finally, the dynamic has changed so much that you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid raising his ire. You avoid certain topics and approach him very gingerly and delicately when you want to raise an issue which may be bothering you. And even then, even in with your most loving and gentle approach, he may explode, criticize, denigrate and challenge you. 

He may become rejecting and cruel.

What happened?

You are now seeing the Red Flags of the true nature of this person. 

He has a personality flaw. 

You cannot fix it. 

No amount of love and affection, no amount of delicate handling, will heal the inner wounds that are causing him to lash out at you and others.

He managed to keep this side of himself in check only long enough to draw you in. 

Now that he knows you care for him and are on some level committed to the relationship, he drops the mask of Mr. Nice Guy, and he reveals his inner demons.

But, You LOVE him! You WANT him! 

There must be a way to work with him. To once again find that wonderful man you initially fell in love with…Perhaps if you can avoid exposing him to people that annoy him, if you can learn to speak to him gently and softly and to avoid topics which trigger him, if you can learn which of his buttons to never push….. then you could be happy together, right??

Wrong!

This personality -disordered individual is secretly and subconsciously fighting the inner demons of his traumatic childhood. 

His criticisms and his temper are the psychological weapons he uses to keep himself “Safe” by keeping you and others in control on some level.

 His temper tantrums and issues with the world all stem from his own inner battles.

 Only therapy can help him.

The problem is that most people with the type of personality disorders that manifest these symptoms, do not think they have a problem and will never agree to therapy.

Nature has sent you the gift of the Red Flag so that you can identify the problem and save yourself.

Do not ignore this gift

.

Your only option, if you want to hold on to your own sanity and emotional well-being is to leave this relationship.

You must ease yourself out of it, see him less often, and stop returning his calls.

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My upcoming book, Red Flag Man, details all of the Red Flags we must learn to identify and avoid.

Contact me with any questions or to arrange speaking engagements.

Brenda 

callmebren@aol.com

DON'T LET YOUR CRUSH TURN YOUR JUDGEMENT TO MUSH!

It can be really hard to appropriately respond to the Red Flags we see in our guy, if we are already hung up on him. Our brain white washes the Red Flags that may have our friends and family wringing their hands in anguish! They may be desperately trying to steer us away from someone while we languish in dreamy denial, still certain that all will work out and love will conquer all.

The aim of my upcoming book, Red Flag Man, is to educate women about the Red Flags. How to identify them, how the dynamics of a relationship may play out based on which negative trait the man has, and how he may have developed that trait in the first place.

The bottom line is that the signs and symptoms that we see early on are NOT going to vanish as time progresses. In fact, they will become more and more pronounced, the more comfortable a man feels in the relationship.

So what you see is not only what you get, what you get gets worse.

Cheapness, pettiness, temper, substance abuse, lack of empathy (narcissistic  man),  wild mood swings (Borderline disordered man), roving eye (player), unemployment/inertia (passive, lack of ambition) are all going to be there and be aggravating you long after the first blush of the romance has worn off.

Yes he is hot now. He is into you and vis versa, but trust me, you will not be happy with a man in the long run, if you are seeing any of these Red Flags now. They all spell disaster for a relationship.

Here is a little example – If your guy wanders off just when it’s time to pay for the few groceries you placed on the conveyor belt, or for the movie tickets, he is CHEAP and he will always be cheap and never generous.

 Who needs him?

We simply cannot ignore the flaws we pick on. In fact, we must take the time to carefully analyze them.

So don't let your crush turn your judgement to Mush!

 You can learn about them in my upcoming book Red Flag Man by Brenda Sassoon

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Read and Learn!

Women! Do not Try too Hard To Get or Impress Him!

The male creature is wired to hunt and gather.  He actually wants to do the work he has to do to win you over! If you take that job away from him by coming on too strong, attempting to “get him” by suggesting get- togethers, making arrangements, calling and texting him, etc, it is actually a turn off to him!

HE has to work to get you, and not the other way around.

To acquire something of value, he works hard. To get a great women to be his and his alone, he will do whatever he has to do and will jump through hoops if necessary.

The more he perceives you as a prize to be won, the harder he will work to have you and the more valuable you will be in his eyes. When he finally succeeds in winning you over he will appreciate you and love you because we value that which is hard to attain -  kind of like that designer bag you are pining for…

 It is human nature not to appreciate that which is too easy to attain.

So hold off on initiating texts and calls. (of course you can respond to them)

Don’t plan gourmet dinners for him! Don’t drop by at his place to see how he is doing and don’t ask him out!! 

We don’t want you to be perceived as the one pursuing the relationship. 

It will only devalue you in his eyes.

Your job is to be you! That’s it. Stay in the feminine receiving mode, appreciate his actions and attentions, and let his male passion to conquer you unleash themselves!

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When His Messages are Confusing You - The Master Of The Mixed Message

He calls you every day and he texts you several times a day as well!

How exciting! Finally a guy who seems to be “all in!”- Like he is really into you and can’t get enough of you!

In fact, he is coming on Super Strong!

Then, without warning, a day or two elapses with no word from him…..

You call him and ask him what’s going on? Why didn’t you hear from him? Is everything ok?

He assures you that everything is perfectly fine, and you make plans to get together soon.

Your next date goes great! 

The chemistry is awesome! 

He texts you afterwards to tell you what a nice time he had and then….

 3 days go by with no word from him.

So you call him and have a nice chat and in an effort to keep the momentum going, you offer to make dinner for the two of you…

He happily accepts the invite and shows up for dinner on the appointed evening.

He seems a bit distracted, more into watching TV or checking his phone, than into you.

The weekend is fast approaching but he makes no mention of getting together..

Friday comes so you call and ask him if the two of you have plans for Saturday night…

 he tells you he is “swamped with work” and can’t make plans.

You go out with a group of your good friends, including a platonic male friend you have known for years and have a nice time seeing a movie and going out for dinner but you miss your guy!

Over the next week there is only silence from "your" guy..

You try to text him but he doesn’t answer. You call him and his voice is strained.

You start to go crazy!

Why is the guy you are so into, who was previously so crazy into you, now avoiding you?

When finally you get him to open up about what is going on and why he has been distant, he tells you that friends of his called to tell him that they had spotted you out on Saturday night with "another man". As a result he feels “humiliated” and he doesn’t want to continue the relationship with you.

 No hard feelings, he just “isn’t into it anymore”.

But, you protest, that “other man” is just your good old platonic friend whom you have known for years, have never dated, and besides, you were in  a group of friends and never alone with Mr. Platonic for a moment!

What is going on here?

Your guy has been hot and cold, on and off for the last few weeks and when finally he hears you were out and about with a group of good friends he latches onto that as an excuse to break up with you…?

Welcome to The Master of the Mixed Message! A card carrying Red Flag Man.

You see, when a man has ambivalent feelings about a woman he is dating, he may wax hot and cold and he may also be scanning the horizon for the next best thing! 

To avoid having to take responsibility for his behavior, he will happily and enthusiastically latch onto any excuse  that will allow him to shift the blame to you.

YOU were out with “another man”

YOU were cold and distant

YOU didn’t call or text

Whatever!

This man is grasping for straws because he is unsure of his feelings towards you.

When a man is unsure of his feelings towards you, it most often means that he doesn’t have strong enough feelings towards you to maintain anything more than a back and forth game. He likes you enough not to let you go, But can't commit to you and wants to keep his options open.

In a case like this your best  course of action is to disappear, right off his radar!

 Just move right on girl!

You have No time to waste on Unpredictable Message Mixers!

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If He is Cheap He Doesn't Rate a Date!

Laura went bowling with her date.

At the end of the bowling session it was time to pay for the bowling shoe rental - $8 per pair.

Her date turned to her and said “Hey, I got dinner, how about you pay for your bowling shoes?”

Laura fished around in her bag for cash but came up empty. (she hadn't planned on having to spend money that evening)

“That’s ok “ her date told her “just put it on your credit card!”

Laura tried to charge the $8 to her card but the cashier said there was a $20 minimum.

Instead of just paying for it himself, her date  became irate and started yelling that it was illegal for the credit card to be refused.

Evelyn went out on a first date for dinner  with a new guy she had been set up with.

They were seated at a small table right up against another table where a newly engaged couple was just finishing up their dinner.

“Hey” said the other guy, turning to Evelyn’s date,  “Looks like we ordered too much food. There’s no way we can finish all this. Would you like to have the rest of these tacos?”

“Sure” said Evelyn’s date. He then turned to Evelyn and asked her advice “Should I cancel my dinner order now that I have this guy’s food?”

Becky went out to a movie with her boyfriend.

They waited on line at the ticket booth. Just as it almost became their turn to purchase tickets, her guy took a sudden interest in the movie posters on display and floated away to examine them more closely, leaving Becky to fork over the dough for the tix.

Jenny stopped in at the Super market with her fiance'.

She chose a few items and so did he.

At the cash register he separated her 3 lemons from his groceries on the conveyor belt and told the check- out girl “the lemons are hers”.

Besty told her fiancé that for Valentine’s Day, she really wanted them to go to a Broadway show she had been just dying to see. They were in the city anyway, could they go and pick up the tickets?

Always willing to try to please her, he drove  right over to the theater , and then didn't budge!

 “Aren’t you going in to buy us the tickets?” she asked when she noticed that he made no move to move. “Oh I can’t afford the tickets right now, I thought you were planning on getting them” he said.

Ladies, CHEAP is a huge RED FLAG.

If you experience cheap behavior from a man, please don’t give him a 2^nd date. He doesn’t rate a date, and if you are already deep in, escape!

And bye the way, cheap extends to emotions as well as finances. They are often connected, so that a man who is financially withholding, is often emotionally withholding as well.

If he tells you he likes to re- use his dental floss, (yep, true story) If he is cheap in a restaurant – tries to get you to share one dinner, or worse, bums somebody else’s leftovers, need I say more?

Run for the hills!

If he isn’t gracious enough to pay for your few items at the grocery store, or to pay for the movie tickets, or to cough up 2 tickets to a show for Valentines Day, then do not invest your time or emotions into him.

He isn’t worth your chump change.
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Is Your Guy Indecisive?

Mixed signals?

Feeling confused?

Don’t be!

If you wonder why his words do not match his actions, take heart!

The answer is simple!

Unless his ACTIONS match his WORDS, his words mean nothing.  ZERO.

So don’t stay up at night analyzing why he said he would call you but he doesn’t, why he says he loves you but he doesn’t stay in touch, or introduce you to his family and friends or make concrete plans for a future with you, why he says you are the most amazing woman he has ever met and he is thinking you have a future together, but you find out he is still pursuing other women. No matter what pretty words he speaks, just remember this very simple formula: Actions = Intentions.

Indecision is a decision. It is a decision to not commit to you.

Only a total pulling back from him, a creation of distance from him, will help him get clarity. If he misses you, and he is truly into you, he will do whatever it takes to make you his and his alone. If he is feeling indecisive, and you attempt to play the role of the convincer, which is the masculine role, you will achieve the opposite outcome of the one you desire. He will pull back even farther and become even more indecisive.

Remember, a man must pursue you and not the opposite. Your job is to stay in the feminine zone, and performing masculine- energy actions such as initiating communications or suggesting get- togethers will only drive him further away!

  Don’t muddle the works by trying to make something happen. If he misses you he will call you. He will make plans to see you. 

If he loves you, he will make a commitment to the relationship and will want to be exclusive with you.

If he is feeling indecisive, pull back. Keep busy with your life and date other guys. If he wants you he will come and get you. If he doesn’t do that , then the wishy washy behavior was your answer. His decision is not to decide for you!

NEXT!

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