PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR IN DATING/RELATIONSHIPS - WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET

A recurring behavior or action, in response to a certain type of situation, or trigger, is a pattern of behavior.

We all have patterns of behavior.

We may make a resolution to lose weight, and then go on a diet and exercise regime, only to slack off after a few weeks, and we may do this every few months or every year.

We may leave tasks that must be done by a specific date until the last minute, and then race around trying to accomplish what we need to accomplish and promise ourselves that next time we will plan ahead and schedule our tasks and errands so that we won’t be in a last minute crisis.

We may spend our pay check too quickly instead of socking away some savings, even though we promised ourselves we would be sure to set aside a percentage for the savings account.

If we find ourselves repeating this situation over and over… we have a pattern of behavior. 

Soon enough we realize that this is our style and we can’t or won’t change it. 

We can expect to procrastinate. 

We can expect to try diets and then not stick to them, etc.

It’s no different in a romantic relationship.

Patterns emerge. They are there to stay.

If you are dating someone whose response to a stressful conversation is to walk out on you, or raise his voice, or issue dramatic proclamations that he doesn’t really mean like “ we should stop communicating”, or “we need to take a break”, instead of calmly discussing the issue with you, then you have a pattern in your relationship.

If your boyfriend drinks too much when you go out with friends, if he always eyes other women, if he spends too much or too little, if he forgets important occasions or worse sabotages them, then those are patterns. They will not change.

Just know that whatever he is promising to do, or to change in regards to a pattern of behavior that he has exhibited, and which bothers you, is most likely never going to change.

These behavior patterns are stemming from deep seated buried emotions which are usually the result of early childhood situations. The patterns emerged as a subconscious means of self-protection.

Ex: "I will walk out on her before she leaves me like my mom always did."

"I will save my money rather than buy her a present for her birthday because my parents didn’t buy me presents."

"I will drink too much so that I can “act out” and not be accountable for my actions, just like my dad did."

The psychological sources for our behaviors are so powerful and exert such a strong hold on us, that unless we are self-aware enough to realize we have a problem, and see therapeutic help, we are doomed to continue to repeat them, never realizing that they are NOT a justified means of responding to life’s current situations, but are simply acting out of our hurt inner child.

Look good and hard at how your honey is handling what life throws at him. 

What you see is what you get. So make  sure that you can live with the patterns exhibited, before you sign on the dotted line.

I welcome your questions and comments.

Please follow my blog, subscribe to it, share it, and hang tight on cause my upcoming book, 

The Red Flag Man 

is coming soon!

If He Doesn't Have a JOB He is NOT MR. Right! MOVE ON!

So you  meet a new guy.

He is cute.  

He is interested.

He calls you. 

He texts you. 

He asks you out.

So far, so good.

You are a hard worker. 

You get up early and head over to your office.  

Or maybe you work from home so you are on the computer focusing on your work most of the day.

Your guy seems to have lots of time on his hands…

He seems to be around a lot…

He goes to lunch..

He is also excessively interested in the details of YOUR job. He asks you lots of questions about your work.

The first time Joy met Morris on the phone was when she returned his phone call at 2pm mid-week. He answered the phone and let her know that this wasn’t the ideal time for him to receive her call since he was in the middle of reading a great novel…

Right there was a huge RED FLAG which she ignored, to her own detriment.

  They eventually married and she wound up supporting him!! 

He simply was not motivated to earn a living and loved to hang around the house. 

He was totally financially dependent on her and eventually the marriage fizzled along with her finances.

Ginny noticed that her new guy Rob asked her lots of questions about her job. He called all throughout the day with updates as to his activities. 

-He was in the mall checking out the sales. 
-He was out for coffee at a popular new cafe
- heading over to the book store, etc…but he didn’t appear to actually get any work done. 

When Ginny finally raised an eyebrow and questioned him as to what it was he actually did for a living,  he told her he was working on a "start- up with his buddy". However his “buddy “was a successful attorney with his own firm. Whatever it was that Rob was doing was obviously not taking up too much of his time.

 Ginny finally put two and two together and realized that Rob’s interest in the details and nuances of her job might just be his way of confirming that she would be qualified to be the bread winner in their relationship, should it go forward.

 He was just doing his homework.

The moment she had that AH HAH moment she ended it with Rob.

You got a great guy, but how do you know he has a real job?

Ladies, if your guy is around a lot, If he finds the time to call and text and shop and sip coffee while you are diligently focusing on your tasks at work- this is a RED FLAG.

Please question him carefully and find out exactly what he does for a living. 

Unless he is a Trust Fund Baby with a pile of cash, please don’t waste your time on him - its time to DASH!

If you don’t check that out  you may find yourself turning to the chapter in my upcoming book, RED FLAG MAN, called The User/Loser.

You need a self-sufficient hard working boyfriend and husband, not a leech.

Do your homework early and spare yourself the troubles you will face if you hook up with a drifter.

RED FLAG BEHAVIOR- THE SILENT TREATMENT

Has  your boyfriend disappeared like a poof of smoke?
No more texts coming in from him?
Is he not calling you, returning your calls or texting you back?

Are you confused or even worried, because you two have NOT broken up, yet he is not communicating with you?

Welcome to THE SILENT TREATMENT!
This is a nifty little method which some people utilize to avoid dealing with an uncomfortable or inconvenient issue which has surfaced.

It doesn't mean that he has left you.
He is not necessarily gone for good, he is simply using this tactic to gain control and distance.

Your boyfriend either doesn't want to deal with a subject you have brought up, an argument that is awaiting resolution, a topic that needs addressing but may be stressful,  or a commitment that you need from him.

He also may be using the silent treatment to punish you for a "transgression" he feels you have committed against him.

Your boyfriend quite possibly may be using this space he has created to go out there and check his options.

THE SILENT TREATMENT - How convenient!

An additional benefit to him is that the silent treatment throws you off balance, makes you squirm, makes you miss him and with any luck, may even put you into the mindset that any contact from him, after a dry spell like this, is preferable than this torture, ensuring you will be sure to be on your "best behavior "in order to prevent the possibility of him going missing again! (Oh boy! He is in control now!)

A healthy normal male will never ever employ this tactic.
He loves his lady and prefers to establish a sense of harmony and safety in the relationship.

 A healthy male partner encourages his lady to tell him what is bothering her. He is working toward, not running away from commitment. If he offended or upset her he seeks to right the wrong, not to disappear for days at a time.
If she offended or upset him, he is capable of expressing his upset in a non confrontational way, and he has no need to "punish" her.

Be aware that the disappearing act is NOT normal acceptable behavior in  a relationship and is not to be tolerated. The one thing we don't want to do is to accept such behavior and allow unhealthy patterns to form.

So what to do if your guy has disappeared for a while and then resurfaces as if nothing has happened?

I suggest meeting with him in person and explaining him that you are more than willing to communicate about whatever is bothering him, but that you are not prepared to be in a relationship with a partner who thinks it is acceptable to cut off communication with you.

If he is not cool with that, skedaddle! Your man is a Red Flag Man.

Further insights on this and other Red Flag topics will be found in my  soon to be completed book:
RED FLAG MAN by Brenda Sassoon

I welcome your questions and comments!
Stay tuned for more!

You Can Talk But He won't Listen - Meet the Narcissist Boyfriend

Do you find yourself trying to explain yourself over and over again to your BF?

Perhaps you have been unjustly accused of an unsavory motive or your actions have been criticized by him yet again, so you again attempt to carefully go over your deeds, thoughts and actions in an attempt to explain them all  and to get him to see the “real you”. 

You are on the defensive now, trying to prove to him that you are really a well-meaning, well intentioned great girl and not the liar, gold digger, manipulator or cheater that he is insinuating you might be...

Has your boyfriend given you a list of your “offenses” and demanded an apology from you, just when you have called him out on a behavior that hurt or confused you? 

If you have not done anything to apologize for, and are feeling baffled by this new wrench in the conversation, don’t be!

This “Table turning behavior” is a hallmark of the Narcissist.

The Narcissist cannot bear to see himself fully and clearly and can certainly not bear to perceive any wrong doing on his own part. He cannot accept responsibility for any wrongdoing and he cannot apologize…Therefore he must switch the mode of the conversation, turn the tables and place YOU on the defensive, rather than explain or apologize for his misdeeds.

.

Did your boyfriend sweep you off your feet with grand gestures, proclaim his love almost from the outset and begin making elaborate plans for your future at breakneck speed? 

This is classic narcissistic behavior and is designed to rein you in before you have a chance to experience his true nature and his darker side. The side which needs to maintain control over you and everything else in his environment. The poor fellow cannot feel safe unless he is in total control and it takes every bit of effort, in the earliest stage of your relationship, for him to feign flexibility and largess. 

This stage does not last long and it belongs to the “Get the Girl"phase of the relationship.

In that blissful, initial “Get the Girl “ phase of your relationship, when he is working hard to procure you, he will flatter you incessantly. He will wine and dine you. He will shower you with love and attention and make plans for you two to be together, permanently, ASAP.

Ahhh.. if only this dreamy phase would go on forever…

For it is quickly followed by the “devalue the girl” phase, once he has won your heart and you  have become vulnerable to him. 

That is when the criticisms and accusations against you will begin. If he can weaken your ego and make you feel worthless, than he can more easily control you, doling out the praise and goodies when you “deserve” them, and withholding then when you don’t.

You will try to defend and explain yourself to him but your words will fall on deaf ears for he cannot internalize the thoughts and feelings of another. You will find yourself scurrying around trying to win back his favor, even though you have no clue why you lost it!

..

If you have met a Narcissist, then just when you are convinced that your prince has finally come along and you two are about to ride off into the sunset, he will burst that bubble.

Quite simply, once he has you he can no longer keep up the charade of the MR. NICE GUY veneer.

His veneer will crack and so will your heart, if you aren’t careful.

When encountering a prince on a white horse swooping you up in his loving arms, please stop and evaluate the situation realistically.

This behavior is classic Narcissitic behavior and if you fall for it, you will suffer greatly.

Long Distance Romance - Is He Showing Up Enough?

Struggling to sustain a long distance romance?

It can be frustrating to face lonely days and nights alone, while in an exclusive long distance romantic relationship.

It’s a bummer to attend social events solo.

Its rough to see that empty pillow next to you in bed night after night and week after week.

What makes it easier  to bear, is being able to look forward to the next scheduled visit,  knowing when you two will see each other next, and hopefully, it should never be more than 3 weeks in the future.

It takes great effort on the part of both people in the relationship, to maintain the momentum and spark, by making sure that more than 3 weeks doesn’t go by without one of you visiting the other.

(Of course I am not talking about a partner serving in the military for an extended period of time. I am talking only about dating couples who live a great distance apart and who have the freedom to hop on a plane to see their sweetheart.)

Its also impossible to really get to know someone without the daily interaction that only frequent proximity can offer.

In the meantime, there should be frequent text, calls and Video chatting.

If a man has asked you to be exclusive, but isn’t making the effort to visit you with enough frequency, then we have to question if this is a sustainable relationship?

Carving out time to visit his lady should be his number 1 priority.

If for some reason he can’t get away, then he should be offering to fly you in to spend a long weekend with him.

If he is neither coming to see you, nor arranging for you to go see him, then -

Houston, We Have a Problem!

The man who is not making these visits his #1 priority is either:

Trying to Control you while he explores his options

Actively seeing other women

Not that crazy about you

If the weeks are slipping by and you are speaking to your boyfriend each night and hearing “I love you” from him, but he is cool to not actually see you, touch you, hold you and kiss you for the next 8 weeks, then something is off.

If a vase of flowers is delivered to your door on your birthday, but he is hanging out at his place 1200 miles away when he could have spent your birthday with you, then you should be questioning the quality of the relationship as well as just how invested in your future he really is.

Lets face the truth.

A man who loves a woman will move heaven and earth to be with her.

Don’t settle for less than that.

If he isn’t making regular plans to see you each month, don’t  try to convince him, don’t beg and don’t plead with him.

Instead, realize that he just isn’t that into you and move on girl.

You can sign up here to receive The Red Flag Man Blog for free each week.

Send me your comments and questions.

See ya next week!

Pursuit is The Man's Role, NOT Yours!

Ladies! The best thing you can do to spark and motivate the man you are interested in is….

NOTHING!

As I have mentioned in my Blog, The Red Flag Man, many times, a man is wired to go out and to acquire.

 His DNA, since Neanderthal times, is that of a HUNTER/GATHERER, and that wiring hasn’t changed a bit, even with the advent of modern conveniences such as salad bars, shavers and cell phones. 

In cave -man days the man went out to forage, to hunt and to bring home  and savor what he worked hard to get.

To this day a man (and all of us really) most respect what we worked hard to get.

If we get something too easily do we really value it? 

NO.

If we scrimp and save for that $1000 bag we love, we will treasure it and carefully place it in a place of honor on our closet shelf. We will wear it with pride and beam with pleasure as we see ourselves in the mirror with our lovely and hard -to- acquire acquisition. 

If however we got it on sale for $50, we aren’t so careful or so prideful. It may end up tossed in the closet or even on the floor, discarded and forgotten.

A man, even more than a woman, needs to feel that he got the big prize when he chooses his woman!

When  a women does the man’s relationship work for him, his knee jerk response is to pull back and then to lose interest. 

Why is that?

The man cannot value a woman who signals to him that she is eager to be with him and easy to acquire.

Therefore the worst thing a woman can do if she is trying to spark the interest of a man is to call him, text him, suggest get togethers  to him, “accidentally” show up where he is at, or make herself too available and behave as if she is too interested.

That behavior will backfire every time. 

Yes, he may take you up on an invite or suggestion once or twice, if he is bored and has nothing better to do, but rest assured, he will lose interest if you hand yourself to him on  a silver platter. 

Instead, keep busy with your life and distract yourself from the goal of winning him over.

Let him work to win YOU over and reap the rewards of a man who values the lady he had to jump through hoops to be with.

Sign up here to receive this blog by email - FREE - and learn Who and What to Avoid in relationships.

Don't Chase Him!

If it feels like your boyfriend has been drifting away, creating distance, seeing you infrequently and making lame excuses why he is too busy to spend time with you as much as he used to, you may be tempted to dream up new and creative ways to draw him back towards you. 

Of course this is your prerogative, but it’s a bad idea.

Never try to reignite his desire by doing anything at all that can be perceived as “chasing”.

If a man has become distant and aloof, do not engage in any of the following “chasing behaviors”:

Calling him

Texting him

“Accidentally” bumping into him

Asking his friends what he is up to

Inviting him over for any purpose

Emailing him interesting articles

Dropping into his home or place of work because you “happened to be in the area”

In fact, if your man has drifted away, the best and most positive course of action is to do nothing at all.

Go on with your life and start dating and socializing as much as you can.

By doing that, you may either ignite his interest again (although why would you want it?),

or find yourself in a great new relationship, which is way more fun that racking your brains trying to lure a disinterested man back into your orbit!

Replace him! Don’t Chase Him!

Happy Hunting!

Sign up here to receive my Free Blog, The Red Flag Man for free, and please send in your comments and questions!