Does He Make Dates or Excuses?

The right man for you will not hesitate to see you and spend time with you, even when it’s inconvenient for him to do so. 

He will be unable to resist the pull to spend time with you and will make doing so his number one priority.

If the man you are interested in is coming up with excuses instead of dinner reservations, he is NOT  your guy!

Sometimes a man may keep stringing us along, making and breaking dates with us, because he is actually seeing someone else, and is not committed to either one of you yet, but wishes to keep his options open.

If you are seeing someone who makes and breaks a date more than twice in a row, know that his motivation level is lacking, and send him packing!

You are not to make yourself available as “filler” in his already busy schedule. You are also not to make yourself available last minute.

 You are not to be his “Plan B”.

Know that you deserve a well-planned out date, for which you are asked out at least 3 days in advance, and for which he has cleared his schedule. 

You are not a late night booty call. 

You are not a last minute quick bite to eat.

The more a man shows that he will spend time, money and effort to see you, the more you can be sure that he is emotionally invested in you and in building a relationship with you.

Do not pin your hopes on a luke warm, on again, off again level  of interest.

If you have a date but he calls to re -schedule because he promised to hang out with his brother, or he has a cold, or he is tired or preoccupied preparing for tomorrows case, he is NOT your man.

Go for the man who has set  spending time with you and ultimately possessing you,  as his highest goal to achieve.

Don't Waste Your Time on a Part Time Boyfriend!

Ladies!

You are not to be “filler”, an “option” or a “back up plan” for any man.

Any behavior from a guy which makes you feel like less than a priority is a big NO!

If you are dating someone who has difficulty making and keeping dates with you, is not calling you daily and in general is not making you a priority, then stop wasting your time.

Just move right on girl!

You are not to be on his list of options, because you are too busy living your full life and you have your own options to sort through.

Any time you make yourself available to a man who is only showing intermittent interest in you, you are selling yourself short.

If he often makes and breaks dates with you, that is a Red Flag and its meaning is “YOU are NOT #1”.

(He may be dating other girls, too busy with his work, or just plain flakey)

If you are not in first position for his attentions, then turn your fabulous self  towards other pursuits.

Do not text him. Do not call him. Do not count on him. Do not miss the chance to meet and date others because of him. In fact, forget about him entirely until he misses you, realizes how amazing you are and makes it his goal to woo and win you over and devote himself to you.

We have no time for on again/off again, wishy -washy boyfriends.

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Should You Pursue a Man? No Ma'am!!

What defines the pursuit of a man?

Do you realize that you may inadvertently be pursuing your guy and not even know it?

A man by nature is a Hunter/Gatherer! 

He is wired to go out there and procure what he needs and wants.

A woman by nature is wired to receive, and to make something out of what he brings to her. 

This is not culture, it is DNA, and it doesn’t change with the times.

The fact is that a man actually enjoys the challenge of winning over a woman’s heart, and is bored if there she is too easy to catch!

We all value what we have to work hard to get, much more than that which comes easy to us.

If we save up for an expensive sweater we have had our eye on and then shell out several hundred dollars for it, we treasure and enjoy it! We carefully fold it and place in on our shelf, taking care not to squish it or wrinkle it up. When we put it on we feel proud that we have such a beautiful sweater to wear. But, if we got that sweater at a big discount for $25, we may toss it around and not care if it winds up on the closet floor!

Human nature is such that we preserve and take care of anything that we have to sacrifice to have. 

That may be to work hard, make time for, give up something for, etc. 

Whatever we have to sacrifice in order to possess, is deemed valuable. 

Whatever comes to us too easily is not valued.

So too with relationships and men in particular.

If you are always available, or initiating texts, phone calls, making plans, making suggestions for dates, or arranging to “bump into” your guy, know that these are all pursuit behaviors and he perceives them as such. 

He may date you for a while especially if he is bored and lonely, but chances are that he will not commit to you.

I know a couple who lived together for years…. She followed him to Tokyo where he lived and worked for business, and she patiently waited years for him to pop the question while she gave up living near her family and friends and she gave up her vibrant career.

Although she told me that "a piece of paper did not make a difference", when at one point she thought that the proposal was looming she was very happy and excited to think that finally they would be getting married. 

The proposal never came. 

Instead he took her to California, bought her a car and an apartment and dumped her there. Then he met and quickly married another women (who wouldn’t dream of shacking up with a man before marriage.)

Let him do the work of pursuing you! 

When he succeeds in pursuing you and winning you over, then he will treasure you and put you on a pedestal. He will make the commitment to you because he had to work to win you over and he will never let you go!

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Red Flag Man: IF HE IS MEAN TO YOU - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!

Red Flag Man: IF HE IS MEAN TO YOU - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!: Do you sometimes feel confused by your guy because he tells you he loves you but he doesn’t always act like he loves you? Does he do ...

IF HE IS MEAN TO YOU - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!

Do you sometimes feel confused by your guy because he tells you he loves you but he doesn’t always act like he loves you?

Does he do and say things which one normally doesn’t associate with love?

Perhaps in the beginning he was the perfect Dream Boat who showered you with love and attention!

Perhaps that has all changed now…

Now he is testy and even mean at times. 

Now he vanishes for days -  no contact. Yet when you do get together, he will still tell you that he loves you. It’s just that he gets annoyed with you when you X,Y or Z…

You may feel unsure of how to interpret his words and actions.

You may feel hurt or even betrayed by the person who is claiming to love you. 

This is indeed very confusing. It also causes tremendous emotional pain and a yearning for the loving way he used to be with you.

We tend to stay in such relationships longer than we should because of what is called “intermittent reinforcement”.

Let me explain it this way: A scientist can train a mouse to go through a maze by releasing a treat from a dispenser at the end of the maze. The mouse will learn that if he works hard enough, and finds his way through that maze, a pellet will drop from the dispenser at the end of the maze.  A delicious reward for his efforts!

But what happens if after a time, no more pellets appear at the end of the maze?

The mouse continues to work his way through the maze. He is still hoping for the treat!

 He is still hoping that if he tries hard enough, the treat will appear as it always did in the past.

It may take the mouse months or even a year to figure out that the good ole days are over, and that no matter how long and hard he tries, there will be no further reward.

The mouse had been trained to perform a behavior by being rewarded with a treat.

So too, people are “trained” in the initial phases of a relationship with an unhealthy love partner, that their behaviors will earn them the love and attention they desire. And like the mouse, we keep on trying and trying, hoping to recapture the  loving behaviors we once elicited from our partner, long after they have vanished. 

We keep trying in vain to regain the love we have somehow lost and don’t know why.

In a real love relationship, loving behaviors do not switch to abusive behaviors no matter how many times we are late, or burn the food, or speak out of turn or mess up in any way. Love is sustained and not conditional on our “performances”.

If your partner is saying that he loves you, but is acting cruel, dismissive, inconsiderate, absent or disrespectful, you must realize that this is a person who does not and cannot love, and you must get out of the relationship.

Causing pain is not a sign of love.

Nothing can be gained if you are being caused pain.

Red Flag Here!

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If Your Boyfriend is a Fault Finder - Walk Away!

If your boyfriend is constantly finding faults in you now that the initial honeymoon phase is over, then he has a problem.

 His problem is that he has deep seated insecurities which can only be mollified by putting others down, and /or by controlling them. 

If he can make you feel a bit off balance, unsure of yourself, flawed, then inside he feels a sense of power.

 Even if you take a more laid - back feminine energy role in the relationship, allowing him to take charge, it won’t be enough to shore up his weak ego. He thrives only when he feels superior.

Maybe he is a messy guy, leaving socks and underwear on the floor. Maybe he is forgetful,  always misplacing his keys, phone, wallet, or maybe he is bad at sports, or moody. You don’t criticize him because you love him despite these flaws.  You overlook his flaws and you focus on his positive attributes because you love and appreciate him.

But, does your boyfriend put you down?

Does your boyfriend criticize you?

The emotionally unhealthy male may be inclined  to bring you down with his criticisms.

 He may roll his eyes at you, (which by the way studies have shown that partners who roll their eyes at each other will most probably get divorced, because the eye roll is a sign of disdain for another person), or take  issue with any little mistake or flaw he perceives in you:

You spoke to him while he was on the phone? Inconsiderate!

You left dirty dishes in the sink overnight? Lazy!

You knocked over his antique salt shaker? Clumsy!

You bought an expensive gift for someone? Money waster!

Etc..

This picking on you is a simple device which places him in control. You now have to work harder to please him. 

Him being in control gives him a sense of safety and power.

Why does he need this sense of safety and power? Because he is a damaged individual.

A healthy, normal, balanced ego, does not benefit by criticizing others.

Please realize that you deserve to be with someone who praises and appreciates you despite your flaws.

RED FLAG! If he is a finder of fault, take a pole and VAULT!

Sprint away now and save yourself from becoming broken down and bitter.

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 Red Flag Man

Did your Boyfriend go from Loving To Angry and Critical?

Sometimes a relationship starts out amazing, and then slowly devolves.

Your new guy appears to be totally infatuated with you and draws you in emotionally with his loving gestures and words. 

He wants to see you all the time, constantly stays in touch, expressing deep feelings for you and talking about a future together because  he feels that you are “The One”.

When you are out together with friends and family, he is totally charming. Your support group is totally on board. 

This guy is a keeper!

Then, after he has won everybody over, and as you slowly start to feel secure and happy and totally into him, something begins to change.

Small criticisms creep into his words. 

He begins to take issue with things you say or do or don’t say or don’t do. For the first time he also begins to get angry at people in public. He is critical of the people in his orbit, sometimes flying off the handle unexpectedly.

Then, finally, the dynamic has changed so much that you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid raising his ire. You avoid certain topics and approach him very gingerly and delicately when you want to raise an issue which may be bothering you. And even then, even in with your most loving and gentle approach, he may explode, criticize, denigrate and challenge you. 

He may become rejecting and cruel.

What happened?

You are now seeing the Red Flags of the true nature of this person. 

He has a personality flaw. 

You cannot fix it. 

No amount of love and affection, no amount of delicate handling, will heal the inner wounds that are causing him to lash out at you and others.

He managed to keep this side of himself in check only long enough to draw you in. 

Now that he knows you care for him and are on some level committed to the relationship, he drops the mask of Mr. Nice Guy, and he reveals his inner demons.

But, You LOVE him! You WANT him! 

There must be a way to work with him. To once again find that wonderful man you initially fell in love with…Perhaps if you can avoid exposing him to people that annoy him, if you can learn to speak to him gently and softly and to avoid topics which trigger him, if you can learn which of his buttons to never push….. then you could be happy together, right??

Wrong!

This personality -disordered individual is secretly and subconsciously fighting the inner demons of his traumatic childhood. 

His criticisms and his temper are the psychological weapons he uses to keep himself “Safe” by keeping you and others in control on some level.

 His temper tantrums and issues with the world all stem from his own inner battles.

 Only therapy can help him.

The problem is that most people with the type of personality disorders that manifest these symptoms, do not think they have a problem and will never agree to therapy.

Nature has sent you the gift of the Red Flag so that you can identify the problem and save yourself.

Do not ignore this gift

.

Your only option, if you want to hold on to your own sanity and emotional well-being is to leave this relationship.

You must ease yourself out of it, see him less often, and stop returning his calls.

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My upcoming book, Red Flag Man, details all of the Red Flags we must learn to identify and avoid.

Contact me with any questions or to arrange speaking engagements.

Brenda 

callmebren@aol.com