When should we give a man the silent treatment and when should we pour out our heart?

Silence is sometimes the tool of choice when a man has behaved badly towards you, and then is attempting to re- engage you.

If your relationship failed because he betrayed you, raged at you, abandoned you or mistreated you in any way.
If you perceived that you were dealing with a narcissist or a borderline disordered man, and decided to break it off, then the best thing to do is to remain silent.

Know that his efforts to communicate with you post break up are most probably due to his need to manipulate your emotions so that you remain vulnerable to him. Power over you is the food his weak ego craves. The best thing to do is to starve it and to remain silent.

Do not empower him nor get pulled back into his destructive orb.

We are not talking hear about the normal and natural ups and downs or occasional out bursts that occur in  any normal relationship. We are speaking specifically of a situation where you have left a relationship that was toxic to you because your man was unhealthy emotionally and took it out on you, was unfaithful or abusive. This man may very likely reach out to you after a break up, even if he is now in another relationship! He may try to keep a Chanel of communication open with you, remain "friends" or try to re establish the relationship, just when you are finally healing from the emotional wounds he inflicted upon you.

Please know that he does not deserve the gratification of your attentions. Don't try to pour out your heart to him, explain yourself to him or offer him an empathetic ear.
Know that he has a need to feel that he still has some power and influence over you, and this is something that he does not deserve.
Keep Silent.
Let his calls go to Voice Mail.
Block him.

Is Your Love the Real Deal?

In a relationship with a narcissist, or a borderline personality - disordered individual, you will find yourself making all of the concessions, feeling pressure to be what he wants you to be, when he wants you to be it. 

When it comes to dispute resolution, its his way or the highway and you are ALWAYS in the wrong. Usually, unless you apologize for being wrong, even when you are right, there will be no making up after a disagreement.

He will bring up past hurts and enumerate your "crimes", never moving past the past, whenever you are having a dispute.

To protect his fragile sense of self, he will lash out in temper in order to maintain control, rather than have an intelligent adult discussion of your two viewpoints.

If you are experiencing this in your relationship, beware! This is a RED FLAG MAN.

CLOSURE - Do We Really Need it?

Ahh that elusive element - Closure.

Sometimes we find ourselves unable to move on emotionally after our romance has ended, even when a significant amount of time has gone by, because we are longing for the one missing element that we believe will empower us to do so.
We believe we need "closure".

If we have experienced a toxic relationship, with an abusive or personality -disordered man, or if we have been cheated on, or lied to, or whatever the fatal issue was, we still may find it very hard to let go emotionally. 
We may tell ourselves that we could do so, if only we had "closure".

But really, what does that mean?

What it means is that we are still waiting for something from the very person who failed to give us what we needed in the first place!

The relationship ended because we discovered betrayal.
We discovered dishonesty.
We experienced emotional or physical abuse.
Perhaps we discovered that he is married! 
He was never available in the first place!

So we end the relationship, on some level. We stop seeing him but we don't stop obsessing over the details of the story, analyzing it a hundred times and playing it out in our minds over and over again with every conceivable different outcome, like a script not yet written.

What we must realize is that we do not need anything from an individual who has wronged us. 

If the issues that arose were powerful enough to break us apart then we must realize that the issues themselves are the root of the closure .

 We must use our painful experience to move on emotionally  towards a happy healthy new relationship.

Putting ourselves in the position of waiting for anything from Mr. Wrong, is an unhealthy and impractical solution to an unsolvable problem. 

We must empower ourselves, and not Mr. Wrong.

Waiting for an explanation, apology, or excuse from him just weakens us all the more, while assigning him power over us.

Instead, realize that you are the prize and he has just lost it.

Hit the gym, hang out with your friends, write out your thoughts and feelings in a diary and stay far away from any thought of texting, calling or "bumping into " him in search for answers to questions which, if we are really honest with ourselves, are self explanatory.

The flaw lies in him alone.
Be glad you missed a bullet.

Even Elizabeth Taylor had to deal with her share of relationship woes. 

Being beautiful, admired, rich and famous did not shield her from the fallout of her choices to have relationships with narcissist, substance abusing men. 

There is just one thing I would add to her very powerful quote above and that is, YOU EDUCATE  yourself on the Red Flags! That way you can avoid the pain and despair of falling for Mr. Wrong.

The narcissist  male is able to love only one person, and that is his own, emotionally injured self. He has no room in his life for another.

In my book, Red Flag Man, I outline the perils and pitfalls of a relationship with the Narcissist, (and many other Red Flag Men) how to recognize him, how he got that way, how your relationship may play out and why to avoid it in the first place.

Red Flag Man: WHEN IS A FRIEND NOT A FRIEND?We have all been the...

Red Flag Man: WHEN IS A FRIEND NOT A FRIEND?We have all been the...: WHEN IS A FRIEND NOT A FRIEND? We have all been there. Post break- up your ex suggests remaining "friends"Next thing you know...

WHEN IS A FRIEND NOT A FRIEND?

We have all been there. Post break- up your ex suggests remaining "friends"Next thing you know, a steady stream of texts, email jokes, and even phone calls from Mr. Ex.

No, he isnt calling you to ask you out or to tell you what a fool he was to let you go. He just wants to Shmooze.

Since the standard definition of a friend is one upon whom you can depend, one whom you trust, one who takes your concerns and feelings seriously and would never knowingly hurt you, how can your ex be a friend, and what purpose does this "friendship" serve you or him, post break- up?

Often a man with commitment issues cannot commit to NO or to YES. He cannot move forward towards commitment, but neither does he want to completely  sever his ties to  you. Much better to keep his options open. Much more convenient to have you on a back burner. Having you in his life, albeit in a different mode, is a source of comfort to him and allows him to never have to feel the void of your absence. He can still enjoy your sense of humor, your advice, your insights and your concern.

I don't recommend this "friendship" at all.

It would be mighty hard to move forward and to nurture a new, healthier relationship into being, whilst shmoozing with the ex who broke your heart, who perhaps pushed you aside for someone else, who was unable to commit to you, cheated, lied, abused or neglected you.

Post break up, it is best to politely decline the friendship offer, Your real friends are the ones who tried to keep you positive and upbeat while Mr. Ex was hurting and disappointing you.

So please don't feel guilty when you say NO to the post break- up friend offer.

Cut all ties to an ex who hurt you and carry on towards Mr. Right!

Red Flag Man - Beware the Date Site Deceiver!

 Any one who has trawled the date site waters for at least several weeks will surely encounter the Date Site Deceiver!
Its important to take almost every fact published on a date site profile with a grain of salt until facts and references have been check out.
There actually do exist men out there who are functioning like chameleons on line, ready to morph into whatever they perceive you are looking for.
There are also men who think nothing of slicing a decade off of their age, in hopes of netting a much younger woman.
The date site may be a great way to meet people you otherwise may never have an opportunity to meet but beware!
People have spent weeks, even months, chatting with individuals who purported to be something very different from their actual selves!
Upon finally meeting in person, great disappointment and frustration has often been the outcome.
Dont waste too much time chatting. Try to meet relatively soon, and always ask for references and check them out.