Red Flag Man: IF HE IS MEAN TO YOU - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!

Red Flag Man: IF HE IS MEAN TO YOU - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!: Do you sometimes feel confused by your guy because he tells you he loves you but he doesn’t always act like he loves you? Does he do ...

IF HE IS MEAN TO YOU - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!

Do you sometimes feel confused by your guy because he tells you he loves you but he doesn’t always act like he loves you?

Does he do and say things which one normally doesn’t associate with love?

Perhaps in the beginning he was the perfect Dream Boat who showered you with love and attention!

Perhaps that has all changed now…

Now he is testy and even mean at times. 

Now he vanishes for days -  no contact. Yet when you do get together, he will still tell you that he loves you. It’s just that he gets annoyed with you when you X,Y or Z…

You may feel unsure of how to interpret his words and actions.

You may feel hurt or even betrayed by the person who is claiming to love you. 

This is indeed very confusing. It also causes tremendous emotional pain and a yearning for the loving way he used to be with you.

We tend to stay in such relationships longer than we should because of what is called “intermittent reinforcement”.

Let me explain it this way: A scientist can train a mouse to go through a maze by releasing a treat from a dispenser at the end of the maze. The mouse will learn that if he works hard enough, and finds his way through that maze, a pellet will drop from the dispenser at the end of the maze.  A delicious reward for his efforts!

But what happens if after a time, no more pellets appear at the end of the maze?

The mouse continues to work his way through the maze. He is still hoping for the treat!

 He is still hoping that if he tries hard enough, the treat will appear as it always did in the past.

It may take the mouse months or even a year to figure out that the good ole days are over, and that no matter how long and hard he tries, there will be no further reward.

The mouse had been trained to perform a behavior by being rewarded with a treat.

So too, people are “trained” in the initial phases of a relationship with an unhealthy love partner, that their behaviors will earn them the love and attention they desire. And like the mouse, we keep on trying and trying, hoping to recapture the  loving behaviors we once elicited from our partner, long after they have vanished. 

We keep trying in vain to regain the love we have somehow lost and don’t know why.

In a real love relationship, loving behaviors do not switch to abusive behaviors no matter how many times we are late, or burn the food, or speak out of turn or mess up in any way. Love is sustained and not conditional on our “performances”.

If your partner is saying that he loves you, but is acting cruel, dismissive, inconsiderate, absent or disrespectful, you must realize that this is a person who does not and cannot love, and you must get out of the relationship.

Causing pain is not a sign of love.

Nothing can be gained if you are being caused pain.

Red Flag Here!

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If Your Boyfriend is a Fault Finder - Walk Away!

If your boyfriend is constantly finding faults in you now that the initial honeymoon phase is over, then he has a problem.

 His problem is that he has deep seated insecurities which can only be mollified by putting others down, and /or by controlling them. 

If he can make you feel a bit off balance, unsure of yourself, flawed, then inside he feels a sense of power.

 Even if you take a more laid - back feminine energy role in the relationship, allowing him to take charge, it won’t be enough to shore up his weak ego. He thrives only when he feels superior.

Maybe he is a messy guy, leaving socks and underwear on the floor. Maybe he is forgetful,  always misplacing his keys, phone, wallet, or maybe he is bad at sports, or moody. You don’t criticize him because you love him despite these flaws.  You overlook his flaws and you focus on his positive attributes because you love and appreciate him.

But, does your boyfriend put you down?

Does your boyfriend criticize you?

The emotionally unhealthy male may be inclined  to bring you down with his criticisms.

 He may roll his eyes at you, (which by the way studies have shown that partners who roll their eyes at each other will most probably get divorced, because the eye roll is a sign of disdain for another person), or take  issue with any little mistake or flaw he perceives in you:

You spoke to him while he was on the phone? Inconsiderate!

You left dirty dishes in the sink overnight? Lazy!

You knocked over his antique salt shaker? Clumsy!

You bought an expensive gift for someone? Money waster!

Etc..

This picking on you is a simple device which places him in control. You now have to work harder to please him. 

Him being in control gives him a sense of safety and power.

Why does he need this sense of safety and power? Because he is a damaged individual.

A healthy, normal, balanced ego, does not benefit by criticizing others.

Please realize that you deserve to be with someone who praises and appreciates you despite your flaws.

RED FLAG! If he is a finder of fault, take a pole and VAULT!

Sprint away now and save yourself from becoming broken down and bitter.

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Did your Boyfriend go from Loving To Angry and Critical?

Sometimes a relationship starts out amazing, and then slowly devolves.

Your new guy appears to be totally infatuated with you and draws you in emotionally with his loving gestures and words. 

He wants to see you all the time, constantly stays in touch, expressing deep feelings for you and talking about a future together because  he feels that you are “The One”.

When you are out together with friends and family, he is totally charming. Your support group is totally on board. 

This guy is a keeper!

Then, after he has won everybody over, and as you slowly start to feel secure and happy and totally into him, something begins to change.

Small criticisms creep into his words. 

He begins to take issue with things you say or do or don’t say or don’t do. For the first time he also begins to get angry at people in public. He is critical of the people in his orbit, sometimes flying off the handle unexpectedly.

Then, finally, the dynamic has changed so much that you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid raising his ire. You avoid certain topics and approach him very gingerly and delicately when you want to raise an issue which may be bothering you. And even then, even in with your most loving and gentle approach, he may explode, criticize, denigrate and challenge you. 

He may become rejecting and cruel.

What happened?

You are now seeing the Red Flags of the true nature of this person. 

He has a personality flaw. 

You cannot fix it. 

No amount of love and affection, no amount of delicate handling, will heal the inner wounds that are causing him to lash out at you and others.

He managed to keep this side of himself in check only long enough to draw you in. 

Now that he knows you care for him and are on some level committed to the relationship, he drops the mask of Mr. Nice Guy, and he reveals his inner demons.

But, You LOVE him! You WANT him! 

There must be a way to work with him. To once again find that wonderful man you initially fell in love with…Perhaps if you can avoid exposing him to people that annoy him, if you can learn to speak to him gently and softly and to avoid topics which trigger him, if you can learn which of his buttons to never push….. then you could be happy together, right??

Wrong!

This personality -disordered individual is secretly and subconsciously fighting the inner demons of his traumatic childhood. 

His criticisms and his temper are the psychological weapons he uses to keep himself “Safe” by keeping you and others in control on some level.

 His temper tantrums and issues with the world all stem from his own inner battles.

 Only therapy can help him.

The problem is that most people with the type of personality disorders that manifest these symptoms, do not think they have a problem and will never agree to therapy.

Nature has sent you the gift of the Red Flag so that you can identify the problem and save yourself.

Do not ignore this gift

.

Your only option, if you want to hold on to your own sanity and emotional well-being is to leave this relationship.

You must ease yourself out of it, see him less often, and stop returning his calls.

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My upcoming book, Red Flag Man, details all of the Red Flags we must learn to identify and avoid.

Contact me with any questions or to arrange speaking engagements.

Brenda 

callmebren@aol.com