RED FLAG MAN

The Mama’s Boy

 

The Mama’s boy is that guy who is quite obviously over- involved with his mom.

A telling sign of mental health in a man is independent living with healthy levels of family contact and interaction.

 It is healthy if he makes his own decisions.

It is unhealthy if he has a compulsion to consult with Mom before making basic life choices such as “what shall I order for lunch?” “where shall I go on vacation?” or “shall I continue to date this girl?”

While it is admirable when a man is respectful and considerate of his mom (and all of his family members), it is another matter entirely if he is overly connected to and compelled to include his mother or consult with his mother, in his daily life. It is a RED FLAG if he takes it to the extreme by including his mom in his dates, allowing his mom to interfere with his relationship or sharing details of his intimate, private life with her.

Can your boyfriend make an important purchase or decision without consulting his mother?

Does his mother wind up sometimes coming along on your dates?

Does he discuss the intimate details of your relationship with his mom?

Does his mom have a green light to drop in on him/you two, unannounced?

Does he compare you to his mom?

Does he mention his mom’s style of dressing, cooking, working out, etc?

Is he capable of committing to you despite the fact that you may not represent his mother’s ideal choice of a mate for him?

A man who has not been able to coast along without the constant interference, approval and consultation with his mother will not make a good husband or boyfriend in the long term.

The primary focus of a boyfriend or husband is supposed to be on his partner, not on pleasing his mother.

It is important that an adult partner is one who has launched.  Visiting the nest occasionally is fine but running back to it or constantly seeking guidance from his parents is an indication that he is not fully functional as an adult. Most importantly it shows that he is not capable of running his own household or heading up his own family, as he lacks the self confidence to do so.

If your boyfriend wants to bring his mom along on some of your dates, live with or in very close proximity to his mom, regularly prioritize his mom’s needs and desires over yours, this is a big RED FLAG.

If this is the current situation, it is more likely than not to remain that way.

YOU are not going to change this dynamic.

Change comes from within a person and not from the pressure or demands of another. Even if he agrees to change the dynamic in order to keep you around, the change is unlikely to last unless he goes for therapy, and even then, there can be no guarantee.

The old adage “What you see is what you get” should be kept in mind if you are involved with a Mama’s boy.

Don’t accept second place. If he is a Mama’s boy, leave with grace.

Long Distance Love is a Big Red Flag!

1. 

The reason that I have been working harder than ever on my book
Red Flag Man is because I want to teach women how to recognize the type of issues, situations and problems that cannot or almost never can result in a happy ending.

The message is that if certain situations, issues or problems exist, 

do not fantasize that you can fix or overcome them through your love.

One of the common issues that I am seeing these days is the issue of the long distance relationship.

If you are cultivating a relationship with a person who lives overseas, and you are not able to see that person and spend time together in his environment on a regular basis, this constitutes a major Red Flag.

In particular, if you are an American talking to a non American -  BEWARE.

There is no way that you can get a grasp of the full picture of the person you are talking to, his life style, his situation, his relationships, his family dynamics, or any thing at all, if he lives across the ocean.

"Melissa" was talking to "Steve" for months. 

He lives in Australia. She lives in L.A.

They met up a couple of times at in - between locations and spent quality time getting to know each other and enjoying each other's company.

Most of the time the relationship was being cultivated via their daily communications on the phone.

They developed an intensity and a sense of urgency to sort things out so that they could be engaged and married ASAP.

Melissa had a great job and a beautiful apartment in LA.
She planned to retire in a couple of years and enjoy a nice juicy pension.

Steve lived in an apartment with a room mate. His job was not as stable as Melissa's. 
Steve suggested that they plan to live in Melbourne and that Melissa contribute her monthly pension to their living expenses.

Melissa was excited and happy to have found a loving partner who promised commitment and marriage. She was excited about the idea of living in an exotic new location.

Melissa's closest friends saw the Red Flags in the situation. They spoke to her about it, risking her ire, in an effort to protect her.

Why would she be willing to give up her job and home and life in the USA for someone who needed her to replace his room mate and allocate her pension to their living expenses?
Plus, she would not be able to legally work in Melbourne, meaning she would be entirely dependent on Steve, not to mention thousands of miles away from her support group of family and friends.

These warnings fell on deaf ears.

As things progressed, the plan was for Melissa to travel to Melbourne to get engaged to Steve.
In preparation, she gave up her apartment and moved in with her mom.

Luckily, she did not give up her job.

Shortly after arriving in Melbourne Melissa discovered the awful shocking truth.

Steve had another woman in his life with whom he had been carrying on for most of the duration of his "relationship" with Melissa!

When confronted, he said he was conflicted because he loved them both.

The moral of the story is clear. 
1.You cannot fully know a person and his circumstances while dating from a big distance.
2. The people who know and love and worry about you should not be dismissed when they attempt to warn you away from a situation.

Love can be blind to reality.

Stay away from Red Flag situations.

Mr. Right Will Fight for You!

Great relationships are not built with unmotivated, uninspired men.

The man who is your own MR. RIGHT is the man who will do whatever he has to do to be with you and then to hold onto you . He is into you. He is crazy about you. He life is not worth living without you.

He does the chasing. He tries to win you over. He overcomes any obstacle to be with you.
He beams with pride and happiness when he is with you.
He brags about your great qualities!!
His life is devoted to making you happy!

DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS

GET what You DESERVE!

Happy Valentine's Day Ladies!

I am hoping that your significant other has made plans with you today for a romantic evening and has bought you flowers and/or chocolates.
If he hasn't, its time to assign him to the trash heap of history girls!

You know that I don't want you to ever "settle" for less than love, respect, appreciation and adoration!

No more making excuses for Mr. Wrong! 

He who doesn't text and/or call you every day, take you out nicely at least once a week, travel to pick you up and to visit you wherever you may be, is not worth a second glance from you.

Remember, you are a prize.
HE is lucky to have you.
HE has to do the work to keep you.

Your job is to be receptive, upbeat and fun and not overly available, physical,  or demonstrative until you are in an exclusive, monogamous relationship.

You are not to do the work, drive the course of the relationship, make or suggest the plans (unless he asks you for a suggestion), buy gifts, initiate texts or calls....NONE OF IT!

Let him do the work.... trust me, he will appreciate you so much more.

Have fun!

Why its BAD to Do and Care Too Much

Women are care takers by nature. 

They want to nurture, show love and do thoughtful things for the people they love.

HOWEVER, before engagement and marriage, it is not a good idea to be too giving, do too much, be too available or show that you care too much.

Is this cruel?

NO!

In order to attract and keep the man she is crazy about, a woman must stay in her feminine zone.

In the feminine zone  a woman is the receiver of attention, gifts and affection and she is looking to the man to suggest and make the dates and plans for them as a couple.

She is busy and happy with her own life, is not available every minute, and is also not an open book spilling her guts over every detail of her life. 

She does not regale her man with the nifty gritty of her past struggles and she is never a “Debbie Downer”. Rather she is happy and upbeat and preoccupied with all of the fun and magical things she has going on in her own life.

A woman should not buy gifts, send love notes, arrange theater tickets, or suggest dates with the man she is seeing.

 All of that is the domain of the male.

It is he who must drive the relationship forward and it is he who, in his effort to win her heart, must think of how to demonstrate his desire for her.

 HE is the one who should be dreaming up fun dates, buying her thoughtful gifts and cards and basically “working” to attract her, and to earn her love.

If you have been mistakenly taking on this male role because you have not been reading this blog, and you find yourself in a lop-sided relationship where your guy is becoming lazy and complacent, basically taking you for granted,

THEN ITS TIME TO MAKE A BIG CHANGE!

If he is showing less affection and attention towards you, it is not too late to re- calibrate the relationship and get it onto the right tract.

You just need determination and motivation to do so.

Your job is not to keep showing him how much you care and how interested in him you are or how committed to this relationship you are. If you do make the mistake of  doing these things you will see that he will pull back, 

 be way less inclined to get together, will not spend money or time (ie: (invest) in the relationship, and he will ultimately find you boring and will move on!

Why?

Because men are wired from time immemorial to go after what they want and what they want is a CHALLENGE!

They only value what they have had to work to achieve or to get.

Women who do too much work in a dating relationship are BORING to a man. It is perceived as your pursuit of him. If you are pursuing him, why does he have to strive to impress you ? He already won you over through no effort of his own! Now that he has you… where’s the excitement? 

Where is the challenge a man craves?

Our ancestral forefathers had to go out and hunt and gather in order to sustain themselves and their families. It is in their nature to love the “hunt” and the challenge of working to get the woman they are attracted to. 

If you take away the need for this pursuit, you become dull and uninteresting to your man.

So how do you let him know you care?

By accepting many ( but not all) of his invitations, by reciprocating affection,  by making eye contact and smiling and being happy to see him.

Show appreciation when he does something big or small for you. 

 Just don’t overdo it!

You should cultivate a sense of entitlement to his efforts to please you because you are a great person with a full and interesting life that any man would be lucky to have.

Don’t really believe that about yourself?

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT !

Treat yourself as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow he has been chasing his whole life.

It’s the one and only way to attract and keep a good man.

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TMI Destroys your Allure! Stop Giving out Private Information!

Men tell me that when women reveal too many personal details about their private lives, former relationships, sexual escapades and childhood traumas, it is a HUGE turn off!

Men are attracted to women with a bit of mystery.

You should NOT  be an open book!

Please don’t spill your guts about how your last boyfriend abused you, or the steamy details of your intimate life. Don’t regale him with your relationship mishaps!!

 He will perceive you as a ship- wreck and trust me, he doesn’t want to be your life preserver.

Ladies, the man you have a crush on is not your friend. He is someone you are hoping to attract to you romantically.

Save the details of your old love stories for your girlfriends. A man doesn’t want to read the last page of the book before he starts it.

Let him learn about you little by little. Keep yourself every slightly out of his grasp emotionally as well as physically and let him work to earn the right to spend more and more time with you and to get to know you better and better.

Please don’t dump your dirty laundry on him!

 Be elusive :

 When will she be available to spend time with me?

Why can’t I keep her on the phone for as long as I like?

 Be mysterious :

 I wonder what it will be like to finally kiss her/ make love to her/ be her boyfriend?

  Was she affectionate with others as I fantasize she will be with me?

It is the desire of a man to desire you!

His desire is fueled by the attraction and then the slight frustration of never getting enough of you.

Nothing quells the fires of his desire for you faster than hearing about how you cried for days when your last boyfriend dumped you/stole money from you/lied to you/mistreated you.

YOU are the illusive, sought after princess that he would be lucky to win over and call his own.

Keep that in mind at all times my girls!

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I am happy to answer your questions!

Why Not an "Open" or "Poly" Relationship?

Lately I have been getting emails from women reporting that they have been in “open” and or  “poly” relationships, and now they want to know how to get the guy to commit to them and them alone!

The answer here is - It'S TOO LATE!

These type of relationships are unhealthy in my opinion, and can lead to low self esteem, loneliness and desperation.

A man is wired from time immemorial to go out there and hunt/gather and to father as many offspring as possible. He will happily hop from bed to bed until someone snares his heart.

A woman is wired to receive what her man brings and to create a home with it. 

She is wired to seek a stable male who will be a good provider for the children they will bring into the world, and she is wired to connect emotionally when she connects physically, which is nature’s way of ensuring an intact family unit will emerge.

Societal norms do change, but the wiring remains the same.

Therefore a woman can only end up miserable when she tries out love with multiple partners because she will invariably wind up loving and wanting monogamy from one of them.

Ladies, do not waste your time and your energy and your young years with “open” and “Poly” relationships! 

Love isn’t a sprint through an amusement park with different rides and games.

Love is about finding a partner to connect with and share a life with.

When you get yourself involved with multiple partners and treat sex as a sport, the man will go along for the ride and will have a great time for sure! 

 However you will end up sad and lonely and wondering why he is not content with focusing solely on you?

And the answer is, because you allowed your body to be just another option.

He never had to work to win you over.

As I have pointed out over and over in my blog, a man values that which he has had to work hard to acquire.

 A women handed to him on a silver platter is of no value to him and winds up cast aside for a “real” challenge.

Wise up girls!