You Deserve Time & Attention!

Lately I have been getting mail from women who tell me that their boyfriends no longer give them attention, don’t seem interested in them, are not into spending time with them,  are not motivated to make plans with them, and in some cases, who have actually broken up with them.

These women  tell me they are feeling frustrated and they are also confused and are wondering if their boyfriend still loves them, but may be afraid of love or afraid of showing their true feelings.  

What should they do?  They ask me.

Ladies is it very very simple and if you have been following the Red Flag Man Blog, you already know the answer.

In cases such as these the only thing that you should do is MOVE ON.

Just forget about any man who is not displaying signs of interest in you. 

There is nothing else you can do.

In fact, his behavior towards you and his attitude towards your relationship is actually the answer to your question!

Don’t replay love scenes in your mind from the beginning of your relationship or worry that he has some secret problem and may need your help and support.

Unless your guy is sending you clear signals that he loves you and wants to be with you, it is a dead relationship.

Now is the time to focus on yourself. Go to the gym, focus on success in school and at work, hang out with your girlfriends and put the boyfriend out of your mind,

If anything changes, he will come and find you, trust me.

But please don’t accept crumbs of a relationship or cling to past memories. Do not waste time on any man who is not giving you the time and attention and confirmation of his love that is your right.

Always remember that when a man loves a woman, he makes sure that she knows it. 

He cannot bear to be apart from her  and he keeps in contact and makes plans to be together.

That is the sign of a viable relationship.

I am happy to answer your questions, but you better be prepared for the cold hard truth!

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Its Only Real if YOU are His Priority!

Girls!

 Why are you questioning the intentions of your guy  just because:

 you hear from him infrequently (like maybe once a day or less)

you two don’t get together very often

he can’t or won’t make you any promises

he does not take you along on his vacations

he does not introduce you to his friends or family

he does not celebrate your milestones (birthday, anniversaries, graduations, whatever)

You feel he is keeping you at arm’s length

You should not be questioning the poor guy!

You should be dumping him instead.

Please don’t wrack your brains trying to figure out the obvious.

Unless your boyfriend is keeping in frequent contact with you, can’t wait to see you, is regularly making time for the two of you to get together and makes you his TOP priority, then that means that

He is keeping his options open, and so should you!

Save your heart and  your loyalty for the man who prioritizes and adores you.

Nuff said

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What about Dating a MUCH Younger man?

A woman wrote in recently, asking me advice about her new relationship with a man 20 years her junior, which gave me food for thought. 

We really haven’t addressed this topic in the Red Flag Man blog yet .. so here we go!

Does it make sense to date a MUCH younger guy?

My belief is that if a man is more than 10 years younger, it’s a NO WIN situation, and even at ten years of age younger than you…you are pressing your luck.

WHY?

Men are visual creatures who are attracted first and foremost to the look of a possible partner, and afterwards, if he is attracted, he looks deeper into the fabric of the woman he is attracted to.

If a man has a partner who is 12, 15, 20 years older than himself, the odds are stacked against them that he will continue to find her physically attractive (even if she is a very pretty woman) as the years go by.

Additionally,  in the case of this relationship dynamic, he may have some psychological issue going on.

Perhaps he has a need for a “Mommy figure” because his own mom was absent, distant, unloving, or rejecting, and he now seeks to fill that void (on a subconscious level ),by connecting with a much older woman.

Perhaps he is a Dependent Personality type (HELP!) who will latch onto an established older woman and expect her to provide for him emotionally as well as physically, by housing him, paying his way, etc.

 And of course, another risk is that a man in his 30’s or 40’s or 50’s will eventually take note of his contemporaries’ partners, who are most likely in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. He will then look at his own partner who, if she is around 20 years or so older than him, will one day look more like his mom than his partner, and eventually lose interest in her physically, even if he is able to maintain interest in her friendship.

Is that a risk we need to take? NO.

Are there exceptions to this?

Maybe…

The late actress Mary Tyler Moore was married  to a man 15 years her junior who faithfully stayed by her side for 33 years until her death at age 80.

Nevertheless, if you ask my opinion if it is a good idea to hold high hopes for this type of relationship, my answer would be NO GO!

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Feel free to ask me whatever! I will always try my best to help!

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and feel free to ask me whatever you want. I am always happy to help!

If He is INTO YOU he will Call and Spend Time with You!

So you want to know why you aren’t hearing from your boyfriend since he left town to spend time with his family?

Why doesn’t he call more than once a day?

Why doesn’t he text you and check in with you throughout the day?

Its bugging you like crazy that he appears too distracted and too busy to want to communicate with you…you have been an “item” for a while now, so why the disappearing act?

Ladies, please don’t make demands that your boyfriend check in with you and show you that he is interested in how you are doing.

News Flash! – He’s NOT that interested

A man who is interested can’t bear to be out of contact with his lady. That’s just how it is.

A man in love just has to spend time with, talk to and keep open the lines of communication.

If he leaves town and keeps you guessing, its time to pull WAY back in the relationship.

If you make requests or demands for him to keep in contact, this is a form of “chasing behavior”.

Chasing is the very worst thing you can do in a relationship as the natural response to being chased is…

You guessed it!

TO RUN AWAY.

Do yourself a favor. Get busy with your own life and let him worry and wonder why he isn’t hearing from you!

If he is into you he will do the work and if not….NEXT!

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I am happy to answer any questions!

PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR IN DATING/RELATIONSHIPS - WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET

A recurring behavior or action, in response to a certain type of situation, or trigger, is a pattern of behavior.

We all have patterns of behavior.

We may make a resolution to lose weight, and then go on a diet and exercise regime, only to slack off after a few weeks, and we may do this every few months or every year.

We may leave tasks that must be done by a specific date until the last minute, and then race around trying to accomplish what we need to accomplish and promise ourselves that next time we will plan ahead and schedule our tasks and errands so that we won’t be in a last minute crisis.

We may spend our pay check too quickly instead of socking away some savings, even though we promised ourselves we would be sure to set aside a percentage for the savings account.

If we find ourselves repeating this situation over and over… we have a pattern of behavior. 

Soon enough we realize that this is our style and we can’t or won’t change it. 

We can expect to procrastinate. 

We can expect to try diets and then not stick to them, etc.

It’s no different in a romantic relationship.

Patterns emerge. They are there to stay.

If you are dating someone whose response to a stressful conversation is to walk out on you, or raise his voice, or issue dramatic proclamations that he doesn’t really mean like “ we should stop communicating”, or “we need to take a break”, instead of calmly discussing the issue with you, then you have a pattern in your relationship.

If your boyfriend drinks too much when you go out with friends, if he always eyes other women, if he spends too much or too little, if he forgets important occasions or worse sabotages them, then those are patterns. They will not change.

Just know that whatever he is promising to do, or to change in regards to a pattern of behavior that he has exhibited, and which bothers you, is most likely never going to change.

These behavior patterns are stemming from deep seated buried emotions which are usually the result of early childhood situations. The patterns emerged as a subconscious means of self-protection.

Ex: "I will walk out on her before she leaves me like my mom always did."

"I will save my money rather than buy her a present for her birthday because my parents didn’t buy me presents."

"I will drink too much so that I can “act out” and not be accountable for my actions, just like my dad did."

The psychological sources for our behaviors are so powerful and exert such a strong hold on us, that unless we are self-aware enough to realize we have a problem, and see therapeutic help, we are doomed to continue to repeat them, never realizing that they are NOT a justified means of responding to life’s current situations, but are simply acting out of our hurt inner child.

Look good and hard at how your honey is handling what life throws at him. 

What you see is what you get. So make  sure that you can live with the patterns exhibited, before you sign on the dotted line.

I welcome your questions and comments.

Please follow my blog, subscribe to it, share it, and hang tight on cause my upcoming book, 

The Red Flag Man 

is coming soon!

If He Doesn't Have a JOB He is NOT MR. Right! MOVE ON!

So you  meet a new guy.

He is cute.  

He is interested.

He calls you. 

He texts you. 

He asks you out.

So far, so good.

You are a hard worker. 

You get up early and head over to your office.  

Or maybe you work from home so you are on the computer focusing on your work most of the day.

Your guy seems to have lots of time on his hands…

He seems to be around a lot…

He goes to lunch..

He is also excessively interested in the details of YOUR job. He asks you lots of questions about your work.

The first time Joy met Morris on the phone was when she returned his phone call at 2pm mid-week. He answered the phone and let her know that this wasn’t the ideal time for him to receive her call since he was in the middle of reading a great novel…

Right there was a huge RED FLAG which she ignored, to her own detriment.

  They eventually married and she wound up supporting him!! 

He simply was not motivated to earn a living and loved to hang around the house. 

He was totally financially dependent on her and eventually the marriage fizzled along with her finances.

Ginny noticed that her new guy Rob asked her lots of questions about her job. He called all throughout the day with updates as to his activities. 

-He was in the mall checking out the sales. 
-He was out for coffee at a popular new cafe
- heading over to the book store, etc…but he didn’t appear to actually get any work done. 

When Ginny finally raised an eyebrow and questioned him as to what it was he actually did for a living,  he told her he was working on a "start- up with his buddy". However his “buddy “was a successful attorney with his own firm. Whatever it was that Rob was doing was obviously not taking up too much of his time.

 Ginny finally put two and two together and realized that Rob’s interest in the details and nuances of her job might just be his way of confirming that she would be qualified to be the bread winner in their relationship, should it go forward.

 He was just doing his homework.

The moment she had that AH HAH moment she ended it with Rob.

You got a great guy, but how do you know he has a real job?

Ladies, if your guy is around a lot, If he finds the time to call and text and shop and sip coffee while you are diligently focusing on your tasks at work- this is a RED FLAG.

Please question him carefully and find out exactly what he does for a living. 

Unless he is a Trust Fund Baby with a pile of cash, please don’t waste your time on him - its time to DASH!

If you don’t check that out  you may find yourself turning to the chapter in my upcoming book, RED FLAG MAN, called The User/Loser.

You need a self-sufficient hard working boyfriend and husband, not a leech.

Do your homework early and spare yourself the troubles you will face if you hook up with a drifter.