Long Distance Romance - Is He Showing Up Enough?

Struggling to sustain a long distance romance?

It can be frustrating to face lonely days and nights alone, while in an exclusive long distance romantic relationship.

It’s a bummer to attend social events solo.

Its rough to see that empty pillow next to you in bed night after night and week after week.

What makes it easier  to bear, is being able to look forward to the next scheduled visit,  knowing when you two will see each other next, and hopefully, it should never be more than 3 weeks in the future.

It takes great effort on the part of both people in the relationship, to maintain the momentum and spark, by making sure that more than 3 weeks doesn’t go by without one of you visiting the other.

(Of course I am not talking about a partner serving in the military for an extended period of time. I am talking only about dating couples who live a great distance apart and who have the freedom to hop on a plane to see their sweetheart.)

Its also impossible to really get to know someone without the daily interaction that only frequent proximity can offer.

In the meantime, there should be frequent text, calls and Video chatting.

If a man has asked you to be exclusive, but isn’t making the effort to visit you with enough frequency, then we have to question if this is a sustainable relationship?

Carving out time to visit his lady should be his number 1 priority.

If for some reason he can’t get away, then he should be offering to fly you in to spend a long weekend with him.

If he is neither coming to see you, nor arranging for you to go see him, then -

Houston, We Have a Problem!

The man who is not making these visits his #1 priority is either:

Trying to Control you while he explores his options

Actively seeing other women

Not that crazy about you

If the weeks are slipping by and you are speaking to your boyfriend each night and hearing “I love you” from him, but he is cool to not actually see you, touch you, hold you and kiss you for the next 8 weeks, then something is off.

If a vase of flowers is delivered to your door on your birthday, but he is hanging out at his place 1200 miles away when he could have spent your birthday with you, then you should be questioning the quality of the relationship as well as just how invested in your future he really is.

Lets face the truth.

A man who loves a woman will move heaven and earth to be with her.

Don’t settle for less than that.

If he isn’t making regular plans to see you each month, don’t  try to convince him, don’t beg and don’t plead with him.

Instead, realize that he just isn’t that into you and move on girl.

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Pursuit is The Man's Role, NOT Yours!

Ladies! The best thing you can do to spark and motivate the man you are interested in is….

NOTHING!

As I have mentioned in my Blog, The Red Flag Man, many times, a man is wired to go out and to acquire.

 His DNA, since Neanderthal times, is that of a HUNTER/GATHERER, and that wiring hasn’t changed a bit, even with the advent of modern conveniences such as salad bars, shavers and cell phones. 

In cave -man days the man went out to forage, to hunt and to bring home  and savor what he worked hard to get.

To this day a man (and all of us really) most respect what we worked hard to get.

If we get something too easily do we really value it? 

NO.

If we scrimp and save for that $1000 bag we love, we will treasure it and carefully place it in a place of honor on our closet shelf. We will wear it with pride and beam with pleasure as we see ourselves in the mirror with our lovely and hard -to- acquire acquisition. 

If however we got it on sale for $50, we aren’t so careful or so prideful. It may end up tossed in the closet or even on the floor, discarded and forgotten.

A man, even more than a woman, needs to feel that he got the big prize when he chooses his woman!

When  a women does the man’s relationship work for him, his knee jerk response is to pull back and then to lose interest. 

Why is that?

The man cannot value a woman who signals to him that she is eager to be with him and easy to acquire.

Therefore the worst thing a woman can do if she is trying to spark the interest of a man is to call him, text him, suggest get togethers  to him, “accidentally” show up where he is at, or make herself too available and behave as if she is too interested.

That behavior will backfire every time. 

Yes, he may take you up on an invite or suggestion once or twice, if he is bored and has nothing better to do, but rest assured, he will lose interest if you hand yourself to him on  a silver platter. 

Instead, keep busy with your life and distract yourself from the goal of winning him over.

Let him work to win YOU over and reap the rewards of a man who values the lady he had to jump through hoops to be with.

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Don't Chase Him!

If it feels like your boyfriend has been drifting away, creating distance, seeing you infrequently and making lame excuses why he is too busy to spend time with you as much as he used to, you may be tempted to dream up new and creative ways to draw him back towards you. 

Of course this is your prerogative, but it’s a bad idea.

Never try to reignite his desire by doing anything at all that can be perceived as “chasing”.

If a man has become distant and aloof, do not engage in any of the following “chasing behaviors”:

Calling him

Texting him

“Accidentally” bumping into him

Asking his friends what he is up to

Inviting him over for any purpose

Emailing him interesting articles

Dropping into his home or place of work because you “happened to be in the area”

In fact, if your man has drifted away, the best and most positive course of action is to do nothing at all.

Go on with your life and start dating and socializing as much as you can.

By doing that, you may either ignite his interest again (although why would you want it?),

or find yourself in a great new relationship, which is way more fun that racking your brains trying to lure a disinterested man back into your orbit!

Replace him! Don’t Chase Him!

Happy Hunting!

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Give Him the Gift of JUST Being You - Unless he is YOURS Nothing Else Will Do!

When a man is truly interested in a woman, it will be obvious to her because he will be carving out the time from his busy day to make contact with her, and will see to it that he spends quality time with her as often as possible. 
He will not let more than a day go by without reaching out to her to let her know he is thinking about her.

He will be calling and texting her.

He will be making dinner reservations, buying flowers and planning trips with her.

He will be introducing her to his friends and family.

He will be buying tickets to the concerts and shows she wants to attend and buying her thoughtful gifts and cards for Valentine’s Day, her birthday and for no special reason at all.

When should a woman start spending her money and her time to please a guy?

When should she be puttering around her kitchen making his favorite gluten free deserts?

When should she shell out for that designer belt for his birthday?

When should she introduce him to her family?

No matter how cute he is, no matter how attracted to him she is, unless he is showing “investing behavior” in her,  no woman should be investing her time or her money on a man.

In fact, if she does it will come off as stalkish and needy and will be a turn- off to the guy she likes!

A man is a go-getter by nature and if she is the object of his desire, he will do whatever he has to do to show her how he feels and to make her feel special and wanted.

If you find yourself exhibiting more pursuing behaviors than your boyfriend does, then back off now! 

Step back from those behaviors. 

If he is interested in you, you must allow him the space to move towards his goal (you) and he cannot do this if you are lunging towards him with dinners, designer ties, text messages and cute emogies. This will push him away, and turn him off, not to mention that he doesn't merit  any of this unless he is investing time and money in you!

In short, those behaviors are to be reserved for the man who is striving to sweep you off your feet. If he isn’t working to sweep you off your feet, sweep him under the rug and move on!

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Spy on Your Guy? - Don't Bother to Try!

If your instinct is to reach for your guy’s cell phone when he is out of the room, to check and see who is has been texting, who he has called, and who has called him, then the relationship is carrying a huge RED FLAG!

You should never ever feel a hint of doubt about where your guy’s loyalties lie, and if you do- then he isn’t the one for you!

If your guy is giving you mixed messages by being affectionate and attentive one minute, and then distant and unresponsive another minute, you may quite rightly harbor doubts about what he is doing and thinking. You may feel inclined to “spy” on him or  “stalk” him a bit.

 That behavior is needy, clingy and a huge turn off!

 Avoid the temptation to behave like that!

Trust me when I tell you that this is a very unhealthy dynamic.

If you have any reason at all to doubt your boyfriend’s loyalty towards you then please pull back now. 

Pull way way back. 

That means NO texting him. NO calling him. NO emailing him.

 It means that when he calls you, DO NOT always answer and do not immediately respond to his texts.

If he is into you he will take the cue that you are less available and less interested and he will come forward and pursue you with all of his wonderful male energy. 

But if in fact he is less interested than before, he will be relieved to feel you are in his orbit less. 

This is the best and only way to find out where you stand, short of confronting him - which also makes you appear suspicious, insecure and needy.

If you feel the need to spy on your guy, distance is the route you must try!

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YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! DON'T DATE ANOTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND!

Today I will state the Obvious.

DON'T date a MARRIED MAN!

Why is it that it is a turn off when we hear that a man is still living in his parents house?

Maybe he is a young man who is temporarily living at home while he saves money for the house or apartment of his dreams.

Why is it not a turn off to you that a man is coming on to you, but going home to his wife each night?

If a man is heading home to his wife at the end of your date, cut bait and move on right now!

You must respect your self enough to realize that you deserve to be more to a man than a dalliance.

More than a distraction entertaining another woman's bored husband.

You actually deserve a man who is so into you that he is planning a future with you. 

A REAL future, not just your next hook up.

No matter what a man says about how  unhappy he is in his marriage, how horrible his wife is, how difficult or impossible it would be to divorce her, if you are settling for dating another woman's husband than you are displaying a terribly low level of self-esteem as well as poor judgement.

Is he married but separated?
Are the divorce papers filed?
Has he given you a date by which time he will be free?

None of the above is great, but at least there may be potential for a future with a man who can honestly say those things, however, if you are in the arms of a married man who leaves you and returns to the home he shares with his wife- GET OUTTA THERE NOW!

We don't wast precious time. The time it takes to forge a relationship that can result in the life you want.

 It is a process.

The building blocks that forge a real relationship are built with shared experiences over a period of weeks and months. Unless you want the empty life of a mistress with no prospect of her own husband and home life, without respect, without her own family and her own place in society as a wife/mother, don't waste precious time servicing the needs of a married man.

Why sacrifice your own needs and wants just to be a "fidget spinner" for some unhappy or bored married man?

Even if you are having a dry spell in your dating life, finding it difficult out there, do not close off your options and do not lower your standards by having an affair with a married man who will never be your husband.

We date to marry.

Realize that if you have chosen to be in a relationship with another woman's husband, that you are a person with serious issues and you require therapy to help you gain an awareness of the issues that cause you to settle for the crumbs of life rather than going for the Trophy,

Your job is to cut bait with the married guy and head on over to the therapist.

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Narcissist Boyfriend? RUN AWAY NOW!

Are you experiencing this in your relationship?

Your boyfriend disappears for days - no contact
He seems to lack empathy towards you and others
He goes silent
Your boyfriend thinks HE is always right
He is most energized when he receives attention from others
He loves you when you do things "right" (his way) and he pulls away when you do things "wrong" (not his way)
He doesn't strive to make you happy or to do the things you want to do - it has to be his way all the time
He has a sense of entitlement
Your boyfriend doesn't play by the rules. He may lie, cheat, steal - Rules don't apply to him because he is the King of the Universe
He has a Jekyll and Hyde personality - switching back and forth between them and keeping you off balance, on guard, and walking on egg shells around him
He may put you down, using verbal or even physical abuse to dominate you and keep the power in the relationship
He may be very needy and dependent on you, all the while criticizing almost everything you do

If this sounds familiar, then you are most likely in a relationship with a Narcissist.

Trust me, this does not improve or go away, it only gets worse. These people are usually not aware that they are doing anything wrong and they are not open to any type of relationship therapy because, of course, they are always right!

This is a psychological condition brought on by early childhood traumas and the narcissist is not even aware of why they are the way they are, nor are they aware that they are doing anything wrong.

They will avoid self reflection and prefer instead to direct their corrections at others, rather than themselves, always playing the Blame Game.
Can  you have a happy relationship with this guy?
NO
You may have a fantasy of what the relationship should/could be and the fantasy may be based on how your boyfriend initially behaved with you met him and he was in pursuit of you.

Please understand that that phase of your relationship is now over, and all you will experience from now on is hurt and pain.

RUN don't walk away from this RED FLAG MAN!

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