RED FLAG BEHAVIOR- THE SILENT TREATMENT

Has  your boyfriend disappeared like a poof of smoke?
No more texts coming in from him?
Is he not calling you, returning your calls or texting you back?

Are you confused or even worried, because you two have NOT broken up, yet he is not communicating with you?

Welcome to THE SILENT TREATMENT!
This is a nifty little method which some people utilize to avoid dealing with an uncomfortable or inconvenient issue which has surfaced.

It doesn't mean that he has left you.
He is not necessarily gone for good, he is simply using this tactic to gain control and distance.

Your boyfriend either doesn't want to deal with a subject you have brought up, an argument that is awaiting resolution, a topic that needs addressing but may be stressful,  or a commitment that you need from him.

He also may be using the silent treatment to punish you for a "transgression" he feels you have committed against him.

Your boyfriend quite possibly may be using this space he has created to go out there and check his options.

THE SILENT TREATMENT - How convenient!

An additional benefit to him is that the silent treatment throws you off balance, makes you squirm, makes you miss him and with any luck, may even put you into the mindset that any contact from him, after a dry spell like this, is preferable than this torture, ensuring you will be sure to be on your "best behavior "in order to prevent the possibility of him going missing again! (Oh boy! He is in control now!)

A healthy normal male will never ever employ this tactic.
He loves his lady and prefers to establish a sense of harmony and safety in the relationship.

 A healthy male partner encourages his lady to tell him what is bothering her. He is working toward, not running away from commitment. If he offended or upset her he seeks to right the wrong, not to disappear for days at a time.
If she offended or upset him, he is capable of expressing his upset in a non confrontational way, and he has no need to "punish" her.

Be aware that the disappearing act is NOT normal acceptable behavior in  a relationship and is not to be tolerated. The one thing we don't want to do is to accept such behavior and allow unhealthy patterns to form.

So what to do if your guy has disappeared for a while and then resurfaces as if nothing has happened?

I suggest meeting with him in person and explaining him that you are more than willing to communicate about whatever is bothering him, but that you are not prepared to be in a relationship with a partner who thinks it is acceptable to cut off communication with you.

If he is not cool with that, skedaddle! Your man is a Red Flag Man.

Further insights on this and other Red Flag topics will be found in my  soon to be completed book:
RED FLAG MAN by Brenda Sassoon

I welcome your questions and comments!
Stay tuned for more!

You Can Talk But He won't Listen - Meet the Narcissist Boyfriend

Do you find yourself trying to explain yourself over and over again to your BF?

Perhaps you have been unjustly accused of an unsavory motive or your actions have been criticized by him yet again, so you again attempt to carefully go over your deeds, thoughts and actions in an attempt to explain them all  and to get him to see the “real you”. 

You are on the defensive now, trying to prove to him that you are really a well-meaning, well intentioned great girl and not the liar, gold digger, manipulator or cheater that he is insinuating you might be...

Has your boyfriend given you a list of your “offenses” and demanded an apology from you, just when you have called him out on a behavior that hurt or confused you? 

If you have not done anything to apologize for, and are feeling baffled by this new wrench in the conversation, don’t be!

This “Table turning behavior” is a hallmark of the Narcissist.

The Narcissist cannot bear to see himself fully and clearly and can certainly not bear to perceive any wrong doing on his own part. He cannot accept responsibility for any wrongdoing and he cannot apologize…Therefore he must switch the mode of the conversation, turn the tables and place YOU on the defensive, rather than explain or apologize for his misdeeds.

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Did your boyfriend sweep you off your feet with grand gestures, proclaim his love almost from the outset and begin making elaborate plans for your future at breakneck speed? 

This is classic narcissistic behavior and is designed to rein you in before you have a chance to experience his true nature and his darker side. The side which needs to maintain control over you and everything else in his environment. The poor fellow cannot feel safe unless he is in total control and it takes every bit of effort, in the earliest stage of your relationship, for him to feign flexibility and largess. 

This stage does not last long and it belongs to the “Get the Girl"phase of the relationship.

In that blissful, initial “Get the Girl “ phase of your relationship, when he is working hard to procure you, he will flatter you incessantly. He will wine and dine you. He will shower you with love and attention and make plans for you two to be together, permanently, ASAP.

Ahhh.. if only this dreamy phase would go on forever…

For it is quickly followed by the “devalue the girl” phase, once he has won your heart and you  have become vulnerable to him. 

That is when the criticisms and accusations against you will begin. If he can weaken your ego and make you feel worthless, than he can more easily control you, doling out the praise and goodies when you “deserve” them, and withholding then when you don’t.

You will try to defend and explain yourself to him but your words will fall on deaf ears for he cannot internalize the thoughts and feelings of another. You will find yourself scurrying around trying to win back his favor, even though you have no clue why you lost it!

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If you have met a Narcissist, then just when you are convinced that your prince has finally come along and you two are about to ride off into the sunset, he will burst that bubble.

Quite simply, once he has you he can no longer keep up the charade of the MR. NICE GUY veneer.

His veneer will crack and so will your heart, if you aren’t careful.

When encountering a prince on a white horse swooping you up in his loving arms, please stop and evaluate the situation realistically.

This behavior is classic Narcissitic behavior and if you fall for it, you will suffer greatly.