A recurring behavior
or action, in response to a certain type of situation, or trigger, is a pattern
of behavior.
We all have patterns
of behavior.
We may make a
resolution to lose weight, and then go on a diet and exercise regime, only to
slack off after a few weeks, and we may do this every few months or every year.
We may leave tasks
that must be done by a specific date until the last minute, and then race
around trying to accomplish what we need to accomplish and promise ourselves
that next time we will plan ahead and schedule our tasks and errands so that we
won’t be in a last minute crisis.
We may spend our pay
check too quickly instead of socking away some savings, even though we promised
ourselves we would be sure to set aside a percentage for the savings account.
If we find ourselves
repeating this situation over and over… we have a pattern of behavior.
Soon
enough we realize that this is our style and we can’t or won’t change it.
We
can expect to procrastinate.
We can expect to try diets and then not stick to
them, etc.
It’s no different in
a romantic relationship.
Patterns emerge. They
are there to stay.
If you are dating
someone whose response to a stressful conversation is to walk out on you, or
raise his voice, or issue dramatic proclamations that he doesn’t really mean
like “ we should stop communicating”, or “we need to take a break”, instead of
calmly discussing the issue with you, then you have a pattern in your
relationship.
If your boyfriend
drinks too much when you go out with friends, if he always eyes other women, if
he spends too much or too little, if he forgets important occasions or worse sabotages
them, then those are patterns. They will not change.
Just know that
whatever he is promising to do, or to change in regards to a pattern of
behavior that he has exhibited, and which bothers you, is most likely never
going to change.
These behavior
patterns are stemming from deep seated buried emotions which are usually the result
of early childhood situations. The patterns emerged as a subconscious means of self-protection.
Ex: "I will walk out
on her before she leaves me like my mom always did."
"I will save my money
rather than buy her a present for her birthday because my parents didn’t buy me
presents."
"I will drink too much
so that I can “act out” and not be accountable for my actions, just like my dad
did."
The psychological
sources for our behaviors are so powerful and exert such a strong hold on us,
that unless we are self-aware enough to realize we have a problem, and see therapeutic
help, we are doomed to continue to repeat them, never realizing that they are NOT a justified means of responding to life’s current situations, but are simply acting
out of our hurt inner child.
Look good and hard at
how your honey is handling what life throws at him.
What you see is what you get.
So make sure that you can live with the
patterns exhibited, before you sign on the dotted line.
I welcome your questions and comments.
Please follow my blog, subscribe to it, share it, and hang tight on cause my upcoming book,
The Red Flag Man
is coming soon!
